Daddy used to love to play,
And walk the dogs two times a day,
But now and then he needed help,
It was up to me to see it out-
Sometimes he'd fall, I'd say "that's ok,
I'll drag you to where you can stay"
Sometimes he'd spill, But no big deal,
I'll get them one by one and pill by pill,
Sometimes he'd dream throughout the day,
And the dream he thought was the words he'd say,
Sometimes he was angry,
But mostly confused,
Daddy was put in a hospital room,
"Daddy needs help"
They'd say to me,
"We're gonna send him across the country"
And when daddy left we left home,
I knew momma always wanted to live alone,
But the new house was cold,
And I thought it was small,
And I was just now growing up,
Yet not grown at all-
I guess growing means anger,
Cause that's all I was,
And the mean things I've said,
And the tension I've caused,
I don't blame myself cause listen to me,
I know what it's like to have a silent family,
Momma lost weight, and momma drank more,
And lawyers and cops and social workers walked in and out our doors,
When daddy came back,
He was only more mad,
He said momma took everything that he had,
He made threats and calls and put her things in the rain,
They said he was mad but i thought he was in pain,
He wasn't the best, but we all need an ally,
And it hurt my heart when they called him the bad guy,
So I went to go see him,
About once every week,
Some days he was good,
But others were bleak,
And still life was ok until that one awful night,
When sister came home with black holes for her eyes,
And isn't it strange how we can see
The same thing unfold
That we know we have seen,
Without connecting the dots without the end picture beside it,
Cause if she saw what I saw, why'd she ever try it?
And why not tell me? Are we not friends?
The doctors said you were seeking the end,
Don't you even see your exclusion of me,
Does nothing more than make us both more lonely?
Maybe that's why I started hating myself,
The fat behind my skin,
And my dirty eyes, my small mouth,
The pinky pale paste of my color,
And the constant comparison I felt to my mother,
We both stepped on the scale day after day,
Maybe control of my body Is one thing that would stay,
Imagine my joy when I went off to college,
A school I picked purely on location and not even on knowledge,
But I was free! And that's all I wanted
Away from the world that had always haunted,
I made new friends, and learned new things,
I gained new skills and grew new means,
Yet I never strayed from one moral rule,
I didn't need substances cause I wasn't a fool,
Or so I thought, cause sister got better,
At least for a bit until she fell under,
Which hit me like lightning, to say the least,
Something changed in my heart, something changed in its beat,
I said grass was ok, and I gave it a hit,
And I fell in love with smoking it,
I'd fly everyday through my own sea of green,
Until I flew so far that the skies looked clean,
And even then I kept on going,
It was the only life I thought worth knowing,
And at some point I went rolling
And life changed again,
Euphoria, redefined,
I never wanted to end,
So I guess that's why I'm here now,
Not with Molly or in the clouds,
But now I stand deep in the snow,
I build snowmen and watch them grow,
Somehow I feel warmest here,
Deep in the white I have no fear,
Deep in the white I have no stress,
Deep in the white I am my best,
Deep in the white, I stand alone,
But that's ok cause that's what I know,
And I understand the irony,
But I think all along I just wanted to see,
So now that it all make sense to me,
Deep in the snow, I can sleep peacefully