I’ve learned a million things since my friend died.
I’ve learned that the world is fleeting and that they aren’t just being hippies when they say to be grateful for every sunrise because this one really might be your last.
I’ve learned not to dwell on that prior truth because death will come and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.
I’ve learned that I’m more conscious of my own mortality and that I get in the car and think “okay, I have to drive safely because I’m not going to make T’s parents bury me too.”
I’ve learned that while I may think I should be okay after a month, grief is not a linear progression and you can’t rush yourself through it.
I’ve learned that sometimes you need to feel the pain, so I play her favorite song and look through her drawings and I just let the pain come because I needed that grief.
I’ve learned that people will ask what happened and I’ll tell the story, crack a joke, and laugh it off and it seems insensitive but I know that if I didn’t laugh I would cry.
I’ve learned that the worst part of grief isn’t the initial pain, it’s the moments when I feel okay and the idea that I’m betraying her by being happy feels like someone stabbed me in the chest.
I’ve learned that grief isn’t logical and it may not make sense but I need to bake her favorite cake on that anniversary not because she can eat it but because she can’t.
I’ve learned that survivor’s guilt it a very real thing and isn’t necessarily restricted to people who experienced her death firsthand.
I’ve learned that people will judge me for how I grieve and think that if I handle pain differently from them that something is wrong with me.
I’ve learned that I take chances and do things I wouldn’t have had the bravery to do before, because if she can’t live her life than I have to live for both of us.
I’ve learned that accepting reality and moving on doesn’t mean I’m betraying her, it means that I am strong enough to love myself again.
I’ve learned that grief may become your lifelong neighbor, but I can befriend it and let it find a meaningful place in my world.
I’ve learned that the price of strong love is strong grief, but that if you have loved enough to break, then that love is worth the pain.
I’ve learned a million things since my friend died, and one of those is that it’s okay to hurt for her and just as okay to let her go.