Dear student,

Your GPA was sorted out by our computerized system, but we want to make you feel as if you were personally handpicked!

We encourage you to visit our scenic campus, which includes

-A dormitory where a frat boy sexually harassed another student

-A famous statue of a racist political figure

-A beautiful open courtyard where students smoke marijuana

-And much more!

Want $280,000 of student loans?

Our university is the place for you!

Forget about a sufficient sleep schedule and healthy diet.

Fast food and alcohol will be what your body consumes for the next four years of your life!

We also offer tips on how to stay on top of your studies.

You can abuse prescription drugs that are meant for students with ADHD, but for you they're "study aids!"

We hope you consider our university.

Good luck being able to afford anything after the four years of earning your undergraduate degree!

Sincerely,

Middle-Aged Enrollment Manager