dear numbers,

since I was a child
I've always loved numbers
I prided myself on my multiplication tables
having my mom quiz me every morning while I ate breakfast
I only ever had trouble with the 12 tables
but that was before it all changed
and so, numbers,
I pose a letter for clarity
a plea for understanding
as to how numbers have since gone from a thing of curiosity
a thing of magic
a thing of compilation and assurance
into a thing that decides whether or not you should ask before putting your hands on a female
when you shapeshifted without warning, into letters: grades that determine worth
when you branched out into your newest utility: bodycount
when you extended yourself into your newest facet: death toll

dear numbers,
when have you been granted the ability to declare whether or not someone has a future
since when has a lack of digits been a cause to hate yourself for
since when have kids tied ropes around their necks
in order to get more of you, your elusivity
25, the seconds a girl waits before raising her hand in math class, even though she knows the answer
since when has anxiety amongst teenagers become a personality trait
breaking their backs for a 94 instead of a 90
since when have you determined how impressive someone's mind is
allowed parents to call their children useless
because they don’t want to be judged on the pretense of a textbook

dear numbers,
since when have the equations changed
since when have we started teaching young girls to base their dignity off the two-dimensional

dear numbers,
please, explain the algorithm
why 4 late night hookups +2 long-term boyfriends= s***
why 3 men who you loved +3 men you thought you did = maybe I don’t have to ask before I put my hand on your thigh
why 1 rape + 0 lovers = she doesn’t have a right to live
why girls measure their worth by numbers
numbers only men can calculate

dear numbers,
why can’t you just be yourself anymore
why do you transform
evolve
into statistics on screens
into a record
into a toll
into 128 bodies
fallen silent to the massacre

dear numbers,

when have you become more powerful than humans
why can’t you go back to empowerment
104, the number of women serving in Congress this year
10, the number of years someone can be imprisoned for rape
24, the number of female CEOs in Fortune 500
1, the number of people that I am certain believe that you can count more than just tragedies