When I was around thirteen years old,
I had self-esteem issues,
And was way too familiar with vomit covered tissues
Being flushed down toilet bowls,
Lack of self-control,
That toilet water stench taking its toll
On my well-being.
At the time, I didn’t think,
“I want to die,”
“Should I even try
To commit suicide,”
In fact,
The thought of doing it never occurred to me and it still hasn’t.
When I hear about teenagers killing themselves
On the news,
I don’t know what to think.
Their once blue hearts no longer
Beating,
Impatient death considered cheating,
Repeating sorrows,
“She will be missed,”
“Death’s lips she kissed,”
Though it’s more like a perforating fist.
It’s hard to believe
Immortality isn’t real,
When you think of all the ways we could deal
With problems underlying beneath.
I still find it hard to believe that people kill
Over temporary problems,
That time won’t heal,
But perseverance.
Time is nothing but a bystander,
It’s my life, so I’m its handler.
After the toilet is flushed,
My teeth become brushed
With toothpaste to get rid of the grit,
Wash, rinse, spit,
Repeat,
Sit down for a minute,
Not to think,
But to wash memories away down the bathroom sink.
Coping with what I did was easy,
Guilt ridden hearts
Produce careless art
So I would start
To not care or take part
In fun activities, but would enjoy the tart
Taste of afterwards in my mouth.
Coping was hoping for tomorrow to be a better day,
Wanting white teeth,
And not for gold to stay.
Suicide,
The great divide,
Crossed my mind,
But not the act of committing it.
I wish I could’ve helped someone going through terrible times,
But with poorly written rhymes
And not being able to read signs,
I wouldn’t be very good at it.
I wish that caring for someone was enough,
But when times get rough
“I love you’s” don’t cut it anymore.
I don’t know if it’s because I apparently don’t understand,
Frustration at hand,
Personal dilemmas take their stand
The ship has sailed to no man’s land,
And Suicide’s best friend Depression has departed according to plan.
How do you help someone
When they can’t be helped?
You help by loving them,
And eventually, you’ll love them enough.
It almost sounds like a joke,
But that’s an entirely different mechanism used to cope.
My self-esteem
Was ripped at the seams
Of my blue jeans,
And it’s hard to be happy with what I have,
When I see silicon drones walk around
Downtown.
I should be more wary
As they carry themselves
With pride made of plastic,
Elastic like fabric and
Drastic like the automatic
Fixation of the flaws on my body.
I dreamt of the stairway to heaven before,
It’s odd because I don’t believe in God,
Or maybe I just don’t know what to believe,
When I see teens on movie screens
Being remembered for a fifteen minute scene
Before their last eternal scream
To the destination only they seem to know,
Or have an idea of.
Suicide,
S, U, I, C, I, D, E,
The spelling to me
Makes a difference,
The impact becomes surreal,
When you realize,
It’s only another word
That when heard,
Is taken to an emotional level,
But really, it’s only a word.
Suicide, suicide, suicide,
The permanent solution to our temporary problems,
T, E, M, P, O, R, A, R, Y,
Like the grey clouds in the sky,
And rain drops dropping by
To check in on my life…
On me,
On you,
On him,
On her.
Temporary.
Suicide,
If suicide,
Is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,
Then I find it funny how people don’t realize
That their problems are temporary.
I started wearing flower tops again,
But I think that road is about to end,
As I make amends with myself and my mind once and for all,
Fall is my favorite time of the year,
Leaves are a crisp yellow brown
As they cascade down the trees,
I think plaid is more my speed,
Finding a sense of style
All the while
Has helped,
Writing has made a millions worth of tragedies sitting on my bedroom shelf,
Self-pity’s hard to come by when I close my eyes
And dream of the future itself.
Unpredictable predicaments, destined or not to be,
Closing my eyes has helped me see.
S, U, I, C, I, D, E,
May this word not get the best of me,
Or anyone else.
T, E, M, P, O, R, A, R, Y,
At the end of our lives we die.
May we bask in our short immortality.