Initiates.
I finally belong now.
All my life, I’ve waited for the moment when I could say:
Look mom, I’ve found myself.
Finally on the path to self discovery, and this name begins my journey.
Only if it’s what you want, my mother said.
I pondered the thought for less than a second,
because I thought it was what I wanted.

Initiates! he called us.
Mr. President, we responded.
Put this bandana on over your eyes, he told us.
We did.
Take off your shirt, he told us.
We did.
Take off your pants, he told us.
We did.
In fear of rejection, we did everything he told us.

Initiates, he wrote across our bare chests.
Our bandanas concealing the shame on our faces
as we walked through the woods in our bare bones and skin.
Bruises formed across our body, as battle wounds.
From an uncivilized battle with an underdog army of misfits.
This was the beginning of finding ourselves.
Proving our loyalty by being brutally beaten and publicly humiliated.
In fear of rejection, we did everything he told us.

Initiates, we all had to do this, he told us.
Three weeks had passed since the first days of our journey had passed.
The word had finally began to peel off of our chests.
The beatings stopped.
The humility had taken full control of our lives.
Sneak into her dorm, he said.
We did.
Wear this dog cone to the party.
We did, but only in fear of rejection.

My mom and I talked for the first time since I had begun my journey.
She asked if it was everything I had wanted.
Biting my tongue, I told her life was amazing and I love who I found in myself.
My voice quivered as the lie left my mouth,
I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
It’s horrible mom! I cried.
They blindfold us, they strip us, they beat us.
All so we can prove our loyalty!
There was a pause at the other end of the phone.
Finally when my mother spoke, she said four words.
The hazing must stop.

At the end of the fourth week, we were pledged into the fraternity.
The beatings stopped.
The public humiliations stopped.
We no longer feared rejection.
Instead, we feared for those who came after us.
We belonged now.
And that’s all that mattered to us.