im bored

my history a geometric pattern between reddit, facebook, and schoolloop
except ive exhausted my askreddit resources
there are no notifications from my friends
just friend requests from distant relatives with names i cannot pronounce
and my percentages are imprinted at the back of my eyelids

i dont care about any of it.

the pdf of a book i started months ago is still a pinned tab on my window
reminding me of the progress im not making
of the chapters i keep rereading because my brain just sees words
just counts up slowly until i reach the end
a checklist rather than an experience.

i read books halfway 
i get bored with the character, get lost in the exposition
the sea of information that my crowded mind can’t retain
because its loaning itself out for my benchmark exam
then like cold air rushing to fill the empty space the rising hot air left behind,
korean boy band fan fiction spreads itself out
which is why i never remember what happens in books
i know whats happening, i can see it on the page
i recognize it as an event
but i stop it in its tracks and don’t let it process
like washing a chicken in marinade but not letting it soak through

music is interesting though,
lots of things are interesting. i just never learned how to think critically
i keep rereading and rewatching
and i know how its supposed to be
i suppose my mind assumes its thinking about it, and pigeonholes it far away
never to be brought up again until another reread,
but by then the crumpled paper is a vague memory

i dont have much going for me. im just alone
i can fool people into thinking i have something interesting to say
but its a farce. i don’t do it intentionally
but i dont have anything. im bored with myself in fact
sometimes i just refresh but those bursts of motivation dont last forever
a library book that demands i renew it even though i havent touched it in 3 weeks
thats the worst part-- continual work. i can never be satisfied with a single day
i have to wake up a dig at the bottom of the barrel.
but lately it feels like ive been tricking myself into thinking theres anything in the shovel at all

im just bored.
and empty.