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She Fell Apart
January 21, 2015
Her heart was too fragile,
Always ready to break,
In a world so merciless and cruel,
She fell apart.
She drowned in loss, in hurt and
tears.
In a world friendless and loveless,
She fell apart.
Her face was tear-stained and red,
Her body was hunched over and sad.
In a world that beat her down and hurt her,
She fell apart.
She felt like screaming, like crying aloud.
In a world so hateful and torn,
She fell apart.
© Tiana D., Monument, CO
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This article has 10 comments.
I have to give this piece the same critique I gave you for "At That Moment." In telling so much, you've lost the imagery that would make this poem great. Don't tell me she's sad; I want to feel that from the way her body looks and the way her sobs sound. I wanted more description and less statement. The idea, though, is without a doubt tragically beautiful.
ThePoeticJustice PLATINUM said...
on Jan. 28 2015 at 8:19 pm
U hear that???? It's the sound of a good poem, keep the rhythm playing.
AlliNeedisMusic SILVER said...
on Jan. 27 2015 at 10:36 am
pay no attention the the above comment haha
AlliNeedisMusic SILVER said...
on Jan. 27 2015 at 10:36 am
oops did not mean to post that haha but this is an amazing and beautiful piece I can relate have a lot of mental breakdowns, panic attacks, etc. but I love this it is totally relateable and understandable keep up the great work and maybe check out my work? I would love feedback! thanks
AlliNeedisMusic SILVER said...
on Jan. 27 2015 at 10:33 am
Did you know you can now tag other users using "@"?
CaseyChickenWang SILVER said...
on Jan. 26 2015 at 4:36 pm
Wow sounds like one of my own mental breakdowns. I like the universality of this piece and I love how you use repetition here "She fell apart." The repetition is so effective and gives your poem a real sense of falling apart. I'd like it more if you use metaphors and similes to depict these feelings. Overall, nice work!
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I wanna be a girl that when I get out of bed<br /> in the morning Satan says "Oh crap she's up!"