The bolt slides open with a heavy thud.
The door swings in an arch,
Barely stirring the placid air.
I walk carefully as if not wanting to wake the inhabitants.
My shoes echo,
Whispering through the empty house.
The frigid air feels foreign,
Like I have never entered into the dull space.
The fist in my stomach clenches tighter,
The keys slip from my shaking hand,
Metal hits the wood floor,
Echoing.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
I can't do this.
Can't take it.
I turn from the house,
Sprint from the cold unwelcoming space,
Leaving the door wide open,
Leaving the ghost of our past memories behind.
I sprint up the driveway,
Slowing to a stop at the sidewalk,
To grab my bike off the front lawn.
Not daring to glance back,
As my legs churn the wheels until they burn,
Slamming my feet down on the pedals with forceful lunges,
I propel down the sidewalk,
Gathering distance from the house.
But then as I pass your memorial,
The air in my chest,
Suddenly, jumps out from my body.
A hundred candles illuminate your picture.
I try to close my eyes,
To avoid catching your smile,
But my eyes deceive me.
I gaze into only a mere shade of you,
A ghost of your true presence.
I pedal faster, faster, to try and rid the fresh image from my mind,
But I’m not able to escape the memories I’ve now stirred within me.

That old broken house at the end of the street,
You had said it was perfect for us.
I never knew how that old demon of creaking wood would haunt me,
Until after you left.
When I thought I had finally fixed every leak, crack, and stain,
Something else would fall apart.
The diagnosis just seemed to get worse with time,
The damage was just too much to repair.
The house was broken.
As I put up the “for sale” sign,
It seemed like a worthless effort,
No buyer would ever believe in that broken house like you did.
Every buyer couldn’t overlook the damage,
The house was unsell-able,
Even the neighbors could feel its demonic presence,
Looming at the end of the street.
A fog of death,
Caused every living thing to turn in the other direction.
And every ray of light seemed to bend around this 1600 squared foot of hell that had risen from Satan’s depths,
And interrupted the humans’ haven.
A hell I spent every night,
Every day,
With the the ghost  of your memory haunting my mind,
And the bills slowly collecting on the dining room table,
While everything broke and shattered and fell around me.
At any second the house could have folded in and taken my pathetic human existence sinking down to the depths of Satan’s lair.
But even then, the days I had spent in that hell would never leave me.

Lying awake all night,
Every night.
Back facing your side of the bed,
Forcing my eyes shut for seconds of relief,
Then flashing open to stare at the door,
Waiting for the soft padding of your footsteps,
The light rustle of the sheets as you tried not to wake me.
If only you knew,
I stayed awake to wait for you each night,
Waited for your presence before I could truly find rest.
My body and mind are trained to your presence,
I am a recovering addict,
The sudden loss of my drug has sent me over the edge,
I shake and itch for your touch, your ever calming presence,
I still wait for you,
Since the day you were ripped from my arms in the cruelest of occurrences,
You left me to suffer
I’ve been waiting,
since the day you left.

The sound of the broken faucet echoing from our bathroom,
Tormented my every waking hour.
I always used the downstairs restroom,
And slept with ear plugs,
To avoid entering the death ridden space.
The door was always shut,
But the dripping somehow still found my ears,
Drip,     drip,    drip,
Drip.
It created a pool of water around the drain.
A constant ripple vibrating across the surface.
The sound slowly tore the sanity from my mind,
Like a whisper saying over and over,
“You won’t forget, you can’t forget.”
I tried to ignore the words,
The constant torment,
But its persistence made me remember.
And at first it was just a small annoyance,
Barely a background noise,
But somehow I seemed to notice it more and more.
And then it was as if the obnoxious sound were growing louder.
I would slam my body into that closed door,
Thrashing my arms into the blockade,
But I could never find the courage to enter the space.
And I wouldn’t dare to pay someone to fix the problem.
Our bank account was virtually empty.
I was left with no escape.
I cried out in the death ridden space,
I prayed for relief,
For the water to just, even for a second, halt in its demonic whispering,
But to my dismay,
The faucet’s dripping never subsided,
And it was never fixed.
And it has remained broken,
Like my shattered mind,
You left me on my own,
You left me on the verge of insanity,
You left me broken,
Since you left.

Clothes,
At first comforting,
Now have become a hundred deflated versions of you,
Strewn about the house.
My teeth clench,
And my eyes squeeze shut,
Every time I find one of your shirts folded in my dresser,
Or your scarf that had fallen behind the dryer,
Your shoes in the garage,
Or your sock under the bed.
It was a constant reminder of the pain in my chest,
And the tightness in my throat.
I have tried to forget,
But somehow your memory has clung to me,
Like a t-shirt that has become uncomfortably tight,
Suffocating me.
I haven’t breathed fully,
Since you left.

After a month,
The whole house reeked of death,
Like a ghost’s breath was constantly wafting into my face.
It was a mixture of your sweet intoxicating smell,
Being slowly diluted by the bitter smell of loss.
I hated how every smell, article, and memory of you was fading.
It felt as though I were losing you a second time,
Like you had moved on and I was holding onto dead air.
I have tried to pry you from my mind,
I’ve been holding on,
Since you left.

The memories,
The vivid feelings of hatred and convictions against you,
Burn through me.

I hate you for leaving me.
I hate the way I yearn for your gentle touch,
Longing to look into your caring eyes and feel warmth surrounding my body.
I hate the night, where my mind is submerged in old memories,
Reminding me of you every time I slightly escape the pain.

The smell of death still clings to my skin.
No matter how many showers I take,
The smell holds on,
Like your memory,
Invading my mind without notice,
Causing my body to shake with anger and hatred.
Every second since you left has been a constant hell.
I’m  trapped in a cage,
Twined of those smiling pictures of you placed all around town,
As if just to torment me further.
I would be blessed to be blind.
The happiness of forgetting your face would bring me far more joy than any hue, shape, or form could ignite within my fueling body.
You are no longer my love, but my demon,
You whisper your memories inside of my head,
Taking every wonderful part of you and using it to wound me.
Everything I loved, is everything I hate to have witnessed.
You have sewed a bomb inside of me,
I hear the ticker pulsing in my ear,
The wires run up through my wrists,
Connecting to the bomb inside my chest.
I am about to explode,
And rain blood all across town.
I will stain every picture of you red,
Everyone will see your true nature.

Tears fill my eyes,
My vision blurs,
I slow on the pedals.
The hate is so over powering,
It causes every muscle to tense and ache,
But my muscles eventually give out under the strain of emotion.
My hate falters for only a moment,
And you creep in, like a chronic infection,
Making me feel like I was the guilty party for vilifying your image,
It further spurs my hate,
My my affection for you is stronger,
It weakens my defense,
I am at the mercy of the infection,
It consumes the burning het in my gut,
Turning the world from hues of  harsh greens and reds,
To soft pinks and baby blues,
The tension in my body fades to liquid,
I am weak,
Yet accepting and open,
I have no shield remaining to your further wounds.

I see again.
Your memory caresses my mind,
Causing my feet to slow on the pedals.
I make a sharp curve and turn back,
I force my heavy legs to pedal until I reach your face illuminated by the hundred candles.
My body falls from my bike and collapses into the lush grass.
I stare into the smiling picture,
Just one of your beautiful shades.
I let every memory of you flood through me,
Carried by my pulse.
It circulates to every inch of my body.
My fists clench,
Pulling the lush grass out in chunks,
Tears rush from my eyes,
And I cry for the first time,
Letting your warmth spread through me,
Possessing me, Owning me,
I belong to you.
And I know you are with me,
Lying beside me,
And before that,
Everyday.
You were with me in my hell,
Through all of my hatred,
During every fit of rage,
Every time I cursed your name and memories,
You watched in silence,
Trapped in the realm of the undead,
You watched my mind tie up into a knot,
That was now just unraveling.
You never left me to rot in this wretched place,
You breathed what was left of you into my soul to keep me alive.
You kept me from lying down upon the earth and allowing it to absorb my body into its embraces.
I lacked the ability to touch, feel, or see you,
But I could hear your silent footsteps echo through the house,
Your sordid breath drifting about my face,
The smell of your decaying soul, clinging to my clothes,
Your memories became not a torment,
But a prized possession that no one else could claim,
You were mine,
You always were,
From the first smile to the last breath,
You carved a piece out of me to continue your existence through me,
Through me, you lived vibrantly,
Though my memories faded like my body with age,
I would hold each one dear and pass your life to my children,
They would also carry your existence,
In essence,
You were immortal,
Your spirit, life, and beauty would become ingrained in time,
And each generation would know you like the sweet smell of a blooming rose,
But no one could claim your very soul in the way I could,
The very fact that I spent the last years in your loving embrace is the best God-given gift that could ever be beheld,

I give into my grief,
I give into my sorrow,
I give myself to you,
I know it took a long time,
forgive me, my love,
But only in that instant I possessed the courage and strength to admit the crevice you formed inside of me.
The burning pain inside my chest flooded with warm fluid,
And a calm sensation of love’s tender embrace tingled through my body,
As hot tears softened my face,
I whispered a prayer on your everlasting soul,
And said a forever echoing goodbye to you, my one real love.