I used to think about writing suicide notes.
I thought I was depressed.
I would imagine myself taking a knife and cutting myself.
But I was not to that point.
It's amazing how much a change in scenery can change everything.
Replace high school with college.
Replace high schoolers with college students.
The depressing feelings have stayed away for the most part,
But I am still the lonely introverted girl I was in high school.
Only now the school work is harder.
And there's no one to force me out of my warm bed.
And I'm financially on my own for the most part.
And I stay in my dorm room most nights.
But that last part hasn't changed.
Even in high school I stayed at home most nights
And I think that's part of the reason why I felt depressed.
I felt like I was stuck.
Like I was trapped.
And I just wanted to be free.
And then I was.
But now I'm not.
Everyone is practically forced to go to college and get more of an education.
If I drop out of college now after my first semester,
I will never hear the end of it from anyone.
Everyone tells me I'm smart.
They expect me to do well in college.
But who says I even wanted to go to college?
It was forced upon me,
Just as souls are forced to be born as infants in this world.
What if we're not ready?
There are times when I yearn for the depressing thoughts to come back,
But then I realize that I shouldn't want that.
It's no way to live to want that when hundreds of thousands of people suffer through depression everyday.
I have very little self confidence.
I think that's why I was afraid of cutting myself.
I think that's why I was afraid of writing a suicide note and killing myself.
I wasn't depressed because I was constantly being bullied.
No, I was depressed because I could easily be alone within a large group of friends
And no one seemed to see how alone I was.
No one seemed to notice that I was sad.
No one seemed to think that maybe they could try talking to me.
Of course I thought about trying to talk to them.
Of course I did.
But I didn't want to be the awkward one trying to squeeze into a conversation I don't belong in.
So I've learned that its easy to be alone.
I've learned that I can't hold onto the people who want to go.
And I've learned that the friends that are worth holding onto are the ones who still talk to you after high school.
Those are the ones you keep.
Those are the ones you make a special place for.
And 10 years after high school when you still talk to these people,
That's when you're greatful to have met them.
And to have known them.
Even when they ignored you.
Even when you felt depressed.
I don't want to write suicide notes.
I hope I never have to.