“This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go”

And part of me hates that this is yet another poem about you,
but this is the end of a 7 year saga
where I can finally say that you are no longer significant
and that I am whole.
I am complete without you because
I am mine before I am anyone else’s.

It’s taken years of unlearning my own understanding of love,
but I have slowly been able to reclaim myself from your grasp.

First I took back my legs, they no longer try to run to you.
Then I took back my hands, they no longer reach for you.
I’ve taken back my ears, they no longer believe lies.
I’ve taken back my eyes, they no longer ignore abuse.

Those were the easy parts to regain.
My mind? My heart? They were not so willing.

My mind believed that I could still change you,
make you into the man I thought you could be.
Old habits die hard and my want to fix broken things was overwhelming.
Even after all that time, I thought of you as my project,
the stubborn boy I would turn into a loving partner.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”
And I was a perfectionist, determined to get us right.
But you were not a class I could get an A in.
There was no study guide or cheat sheet to your heart.
So my mind let you go reluctantly, and tried to advise my heart to do the same.

But my heart had convinced me that you were my “first love,”
that you were everything I needed,
that you were the sun, the moon and the stars,
and that I was the lucky one, because you chose me.
My heart overlooked its own wounds.
It ran on adrenaline, never feeling its own pain.

My mind had said to my heart, “I told you so”
more times than I wish to admit, before it actually listened.
While they say absence makes the heart grow fonder,
your absence actually made me stronger.

The silence between us did not make me crave your words.
To my surprise, each day got easier without you.
Baby steps turned into leaps of freedom,
and I had regained my lungs, finally being able to breathe without you.

So this is an apology but also a thank you
because if I had not depended on you for so long,
I would not know how good it feels to be free.

It’s taken me 7 years to get to this point
but it’s been one hell of ride.
And you are finally yours.
And I am finally mine.