i wish that i could love you again.

i’ve been sawing through the ropes around my hands
because maybe if i get them off then the marks will prove
that i suffered to make my way towards you

i fell asleep in front of the television last night
because your favorite show was on and i wanted to step into your place
because all i ever wanted was to know how your head works
like cogs and gears and conveyor belts
but some part of the machine was broken and was missing a few pieces

i wish that i could love you again.

i forgave you
but that doesn’t mean that you can do this to me one more time.

you are the spiritual wickedness in high places
but your flesh and blood makes you look heavenly
the way your eyes look like high tides pressed into
stained glass windows in a chapel
the way your skin feels a like satin blanket

but i
i have rigid veins bulging out of my bony hands
i have scars on my face and white birthmarks on my arms
i have messy curly hair that never quite looks the same
as it did the day before

i wish i could love you again.

when i used to hug you
i could hear your heartbeat
as you squeezed me closer to you

but i never quite realized that the last time
that you wrapped your arms around me
that it would be your goodbye letter
the sound of moving on and fleeing from someone
that has always cared so deeply about you

i remember when you didn’t know what to say
when your voice caught in your throat
when i waited for a reply

and that is when i knew that
you were as unstable as i was

i know that time heals all wounds
but the songs we both listened to
and the CD’s i made for you
and our old messages
and when you said “God, I just want you to be happy.”
will tear up my skin some more.

i sat under the lights in your bedroom
as you put on your makeup
and you looked back at me and asked
if i was doing okay.
i shrugged my shoulders.

but if you still want to know,
i am doing perfectly okay.