hazel blue green eyes
it's like looking into a mirror
stare straight back at me.
I jump in my skin
seeing your breathing
grow more shallow
each second that passes
on the gold rimmed clock
ticking away in the kitchen.
You had one shot to do things right,
the other day we spoke short words
and you hugged me close
and told me that you'd stop.
That it was all over.
So many times I believed you.
When you crashed the car
into the guardrail and nearly
killed mom in the process
where would I be now,
if you had lounged on your side
face buried in the pillows
and after advising you
to shift your position
so that you were on your
stomach
and your airways weren't blocked
should you overdose on your pills
that you pop back in the palm of your hand
and let dissolve under your tongue like candy\
like Klonopin, Xanax, and whatever else you're
taking these days,
where would you be if I hadn't at least
helped or tried to get you to see the reason?
We all fall down
battered and bruised and dying inside
each day
the sun rises
we're supposed to get up off our dirt covered
knees
and cover the scars and bruises
(even those external)
the ones you can't see and touch
and quite accurately
with medication
or foundation
(if you're a woman)
we're supposed to cleanse
our souls through the holy
ghost of the bible
and resist clenching our jaws
if we're upset
so as not to ruin our teeth
and mop the sweat from our brows
and emit a sigh of relief
because we got through another day
we battled our demons
we kept on pushing
we didn't just sit there
and slash our wrists from the pain
or toss back a few pills
or swallow bourbon
until our bodies go numb
but you did all of that
twelve years ago
you were an alcoholic
and when my mother
was toting little tow-headed
baby me
around
you were losing little blue
football shaped Xanax left
and right all over the playroom
you were breaking into pharmacies
you were lying through your teeth
at just seven i sported one of your
oversized Rolling Stones t-shirt's
3 sizes too big
at the old house
on Madison Ave
and you were arguing
with Mommy
til your voice rang hoarse
and I covered my ears
with my hands
and wailed for you both to stop
but I don't think you heard me.
Because you were too busy
ignoring the fact that mommy
was accusing you of something
or other again
or you were maybe even too
messed up to care;
so when I see your eyes
pupils blown to epic proportions
and I gaze into them
I tremble just slightly
because I never want to end up like
you