Does it ever hit you sometimes? How lonely you are? I know it does me.
All. The. Time.
Sometimes it’s like a niggling at the back of my mind. Easy to dismiss.
Other times its like a semi plowed me over and parked on my chest. Crushing me. Keeping me down.
I don’t like being down.
It’s not depression. Not really. Just this bone deep feeling of loneliness. 
For example-
I can hang out with my friends and see the pairs forming. The potential couples. The new besties. I laugh and smile and mess around. It’s all good.
I can walk down the street and see the couples strolling hand in hand down the sidewalk and think Aww, that’s cute!
I can make plans with my best friend and within two hours have her lose her phone and forget about our study date that night. I can sit at Braums by myself for an hour and write index cards, constantly checking and rechecking my phone just incase I missed her call or text the first twenty times I looked.
That’s the niggling.
The semi loads all of those up, hoarding them for when I’m vulnerable, and barrels toward me with the one thing thats sure to break me everytime at the wheel.
I thought for sure that he would like me. That I could finally have a relationship worth a damn. That they weren’t really going to get together, it was just a fling.
I was there every step of the way, whenever he needed me.
And then they broke up.
Her and her boyfriend.
And then they are best friends again.
More than best friends.
I see the looks,
The hands entwined not-so-secretly between their close-pressed bodies,
Hear the whispered I love you’s.
And every time my heart cracks a little more,
And each time I’m not sure I’ll be strong enough to put it back together.