As a woman, I feel cheated.
I grew up with an older brother
Who made all the decisions,
Who used his strength and size
To get his way,
And “boys will be boys” when I got hurt,
A brother who mocked me for crying
When he hurt me.
I grew up wearing dresses
That itched my legs,
And told to sit properly
Whilst wearing them,
Even though it was uncomfortable.
I grew up making myself smaller
So people wouldn’t look at me,
Learning that speaking
Was something to be ashamed of,
That having my own mind
Wasn’t allowed.
This crept into my teens,
The way I starved to be smaller,
Cut myself to punish myself
For everything I’d been told
I shouldn’t do or be,
Said ‘you throw like a girl’
Like it was an insult,
Laughed at the misogyny all around me,
Squeezed into clothes a size too small
So I wouldn’t cost more money,
While my brother asked and received
Every day.
I hated answering questions in class
Or talking to the lady behind the cash register,
Calling to order pizza or
Standing up to bullies.
And when I pointed this out,
I was told it was my fault,
That I had internalized everything,
That I shouldn’t have taken it the way I did.
My whole life has been ruled,
Sectioned into neat pie pieces
That I’m not allowed to eat,
Only allowed to be.
I grew up learning to conform,
And in the end, it ruined me.
I cut myself open and starved myself,
And when they all found out,
They couldn’t believe it.
What did they think
They were teaching me
All these years?