I remember when everything changed.
Childhood safety no longer mattered. Trying to figure out the concepts of life alone, I was abandoned in favor of bigger things considerably worthless, in the eyes of anyone adept to their surroundings.
There is never any comfort in feeling alone, and once it finally hits that this is all you're ever going to know, not a single soul taking watch is frightening.
I don't deserve to live anymore. There's no further contrast, and when people contradict the inner ideations coming from within, it only breaks the seams. I'm not making sense. I'm not making sense. When you just want to keep everything inside because there is no other safe place. You can't trust those who've already stabbed your heart out.
And then, the cycle begins. We're trapped in lives we don't want, situations where carving the skin straight to the core, craving for something to make it all worth moving on, we're scared.
The nightmares you relish in are all you can confide in

I don't remember anything I'm supposed to.
There was never such a thing as being content with myself, always another reason to release the only way out from its plastic prison, letting the stainless steel rip apart whatever's left. I don't ever remember feeling alive.
There's so much that can be fixed, but time can't always heal the wounds, especially when these wounds are afflicted upon myself. There's no such thing as waking up one morning, without counting all the reasons why you should've dropped dead the night before. You're not supposed to go through life wishing you had everything completely out of your own reach.
I wish I didn't remember all the numbers, all the dates, every consecutive minute is another moment of regret and guilt. I can never have closure, because bad memories bring tidal waves of hurt, hurt that can only be shown in forms that kill. My mind is a black hole, and every day, the calm before the storm only disappears.
I regret to inform you that there isn't much life for me. There isn't anything more I can do.
I don't remember feeling alive.
I don't remember what it means to feel okay.