I knew what I was looking for
As I left to go off to war.
A death with pride,
Not having to hide,
And to have an angel known as you
By my side.
A funny thing,
I also knew;
My mother would weep into her stew.
Stirring, stirring,
Round and round,
Trying my best to stand my ground.
Treacherous,
I knew indeed,
That I wouldn’t have to do the deed.
The bullet would not belong to me,
Honor and pride,
That’s what they’d believe.
My body would be shipped home, of course,
But they would say I went off to war
To fight with all my bravery,
None would know of the fear within me.
Or some would understand the reality,
That I was dying inside.
I needed so desperately
To prove to myself that I could be relieved.
A terrible thing, I am aware,
Was the longing in my stare.
The longing for an end,
For death to catch up.
It didn’t really matter much.
Shipped home in my cozy box,
Mother would never have to know,
It was all a lie.
I was dying all along even though
My health seemed in check,
My mind would race
Feeling so alone.
I knew my life would end as written in stone.
This isn’t the end,
You do not understand,
The death would not be in my hands.
I escaped my fate,
My date with hell.
No,
Unlike the written,
I was bitten by the urge, yes,
But I never murdered myself.
The one who did such a thing,
Who ended all the misery,
Was the war
The world unto itself.