I.

I walked with the eyes of a freshman as I stumbled down the halls,
Aware that the walls were watching me,
I walked with the leash of a reputation tied around my neck,
The wrecks of years past haunting me, clinging to my noose,
an excuse for the singing in my ear, whispering,
that I could never walk away,
that my four years would be tainted,
and I had already painted the canvas given out to me.
If only I could have seen that happiness was not an aimless wisp of evanescent air,
but rather a shameless being crawling under my skin,
trapped beneath the bars of anxiety within.
And it was only the beginning but I saw it as the end,
so I bended myself into the mold,
and let myself mold and rot
into exactly what I did not want myself to become,
I numbed myself, tiptoeing on wobbling feet,
a weak drum dying in the grand hum.
High necked t-shirts and long mini skirts,
I skirted around the underside of the social scene,
the queen bee of hiding, of surviving.
Eyes straight ahead, I feared that if I pulled one thread,
the tapestry would unravel, my fragile footing
covered in soot and ash.
This is how I walked with the eyes of a freshman.

II.

Everyone wore high wasted and got high and wasted,
but the taste of liquor in a crowded room
was written in a rule book I never read,
and in the cruel hours of the night,
the light of my shadow glimmered in the whites of my eyes.
Lies answered my angered perception of empty space,
chasing me to the chasm of sanity.
With complete clarity and lack of dignity I walked the plank,
I shrank in the festering sunlight,
Shrank back tightly into arms willing to carry me.
Warily, I accepted, infecting myself with secrets,
The sweetness of security drained my purity.
But then I was locked in, and the air was getting thin
and I couldn’t get out and with every shout pleading for flight,
he only convinced me that in here, in here, that’s where there was light.
With delicate bricks and fragile sticks I built up a wall between him and I.
Eyes could see through it all and he made me feel so small,
but this masquerade was just a charade to make me fall into love,
or whatever that feeling was.
There was something so appealing about that feeling,
Where I only mattered, and I only felt flattered
We sang the song that harmonized our worlds as they fell out of orbit,
But morbid thoughts invaded my mind.
Denials like bile seeping down my throat.
Notes of insanity seeping through the air.
Cold hands and speeding cars,
bars of immortality kept me within his reach,
but with a screeching stop I saw my reflection,
rejection written in red ink, and to think I had no objection
to the faulty perfection of feeling affection.

III.

With nothing to lose I boldly unbolted that door
and watched how our story unfolded.
He was all I had and I was all too glad to run into those arms,
although there was no charm, but this couldn’t possibly do any harm.
He eased me out of grief, pouring relief into my heated veins,
but fate means to play these wicked games,
and in the end fate loves to put us to shame.
There was trust and there was lust,
we thrust ourselves in the angel dust of delusion,
and the illusion of bliss kissed my face with sunlight,
the plight of guilt lying dormant beneath my eyelids.
A foreign fortune awaited my name,
a fortune misspent with intention well meant.
I fell head forward into the ride,
But then I was left outside on train tracks
with life backtracking me to the ally of alone.
I should have known my own moans would not have sown shut the wounds,
The ruins of not knowing who was at fault poured salt over and over,
Without any closure I ran

IV.

I walked the fine tightrope between hours spent in the library
and being seen as a sexual entity,
I could still sense the bathroom scent of perfume like that of a feral dog,
A constant presence of peril looming, consuming, assuming the worst,
A thirst for gossip well versed in cruelty,
changing ambiguity into promiscuity.
Where was my rock? My foundation just a starvation of relationships,
Why did they jump ship while I went off the deep end,
Pretending amidst the façade of the flawed flawless mask,
The flask of regret forever in my pocket.
But when I finally became honest, I learned that I was my own goddess.
That I could be a prowess and a prophet and earn my own profit of joy,
That this toy was no longer available for the light eyed boys
Who had burrowed under my skin,
huddling in the warmth that did not belong to them.
It was time for dawn to spawn back youth,
ruthlessly ridding the walls of peeling paint,
With no restraint I began the process of construction,
The production of instruction for my inside to read,
I agreed that the deeds preceding this moment would serve as seeds-
Seeds to grow in a world where the flowers never wilted,
Where light filtered through the gray
and the arrays of good days could be unlimited,
I still walked with the eyes of a freshman,
but with no more confessions, and the soul of a wizened woman.

V.

Listen to the swagger of these footsteps as I walk these halls,
Listen to the swagger of my footsteps as I finally embrace these walls.
I spent these past few years shaking, debating,
Contemplating my every move,
I spent these past few years skulking in my fears.
I walked with the eyes of a freshman,
my flesh burning, my heart yearning
I walked with the eyes of a freshman,
a fresh soul, entering the river Styx.
And who was that slick guy that told me I wasn’t good enough,
because I’m done bluffing my way
through this tough stuff that’s all made of fluff
and I finally realized that these will be forgotten,
that those rotten words molding in my mind’s eye don’t mean a thing,
I bring the swing of my step and those wings I hid on the shelf for all this time.
No, I can’t rewind, but I know that I did what I could,
and I should have, and I would have, but whose to say I still can’t?
These floors quivered under my feet,
and every palpitating beat of my chest did its best to confront the day
I took this clay and I shaped it,
I finally escaped that which I was supposed to be
And the only time I ever got C’s was when I visited Victoria’s Secret
And don’t tell me it’s a secret that confidence builds,
that confidence can kill
But let me feel invincible, if only for a moment.
And now, I walk with the eyes of a freshman,
the threshold of probabilities are unlimited
And I will probably fall flat on my face one more time before I leave.
But I’ve finally found some confidence in my incompetence.