I told myself it was okay to want her
As long as
The door was locked
And the lights were so low
That I couldn’t see my eyes
in hers
while I unhooked her bra

To kiss her was okay in public
As long as I acted
Casual
Like it didn’t turn my world
Upside down and
Inside out
As Long as I acted like
her lips
and
Eyes
And
Words
Didn’t make my heart throb
against my ribs
Trying to reach hers

It was okay to say I loved her
As long as it was
Spoken quietly
Written privately
Kept between me
And her
Exchanged in heated moments Between ragged breaths as we
Wrestled in between soft sheets
Too exhausted from
Each others bodies
to know what we meant
And what we didn’t

But when she loved me
Said it loudly
Kissed me in public
passionately
Unhooked my bra
With the lights on
And pierced my soul
With her eyes
I began to break
Apart
And
Away

Fear slithered around my heart
Like a snake
tight and fatal
Demanded to be felt
Shook the love until it
Burst and entered
My blood stream
Trickling into my brain
Cluttering and contaminating it
I walked away
In a haze of self doubt
and closterphobic confusion

I broke her heart
And mine
But I picked up the pieces I could carry
And walked away
Far enough that
Her ragged sobs
And
Mine
No longer mixed
In the somber cadence of
Desperate love holding on to
It’s last dying breaths

Because
All I could see was
Was the memory of
My mother when I let slip
Hidden truths I had kept
Like silent treasures

She was
Angry
And
Disgusted
Her hand
Came in full force contact
With my cheek
Over and over
Until the pain became numb
And so did I

I had used the L word
Both of them
And she had convinced me
That it was easier to hide myself
In the arms of men
Faking love
Than to disgrace my family
In the phases of surreal
Angst filled years
Of teenage
Tribulation.