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I wish I could tell you why I latch onto people but I can't and it is killing me inside because I know that I'm clinging to the wrong ones and someday they're going to pry my arms off their waist and they will leave.
They will walk away like I meant nothing to them because I didn't.
Deep inside I always knew that.
But when you're lonely and so sad at night that you mentally make a list of 101 ways to make the pain inside go away do you honestly think about if these people care about you or not?
You just think "well they're here now so they always will be" but little did you know you are setting up a trap for yourself.
You're tying your own noose, loading the gun and swallowing the pills.
You have to keep saying to yourself "they really do care about me, they're just in a bad mood today."
But I never notice that they're in a bad mood everyday.
I never pay attention to the fact that she acts like it's her obligation to talk to me because I don't care.
I've been through too much to let someone who gives the slightest damn about me go.
I've never kept tabs on the times I let her vent and cry to me about her problems and how she wishes her parents would divorce because they fight all the time or how she has to watch her brother so they can work.
But she probably knows the exact number of times that I've cried because I don't want to turn into a drug-addict like my mom or that I felt like I wanted to die because that's how sad I was.
She listened, of course, she had to. But I knew she didn't care because her life was more important than mine.
How can someone so unstable act like her problems are even problems at all?
How can someone so unstable ignore my own feelings and devote my attention to making her feel better?
How can someone so stable not realize that I was falling apart and I needed her to tell me point blank to not kill myself because that's how screwed up I really am?
Because when you have no money except for a rusty penny, you keep it.
Because all though it can't help you do anything and it's not much
it's all you have, and you will hold that penny until the very last second.