i held her close for as long as i could. i wish i could tell her. i love her. how much i want her to love me. but i would lose her as my friend if i told her. im a girl and so is she. it seems wrong to me, but i want her. im already losing everything else but i cant lose her. my grandpa said i could come back to live here if i need to, im so confused. i dont know which way is up or which way is down. i dont want to leave but i dont know how i could leave my family behind me. i wish i could just disappear right now. just run away. leave everything behind. leave me behind. make a new me, a happy me. the only emotion i feel is sadness. i dont know what to do. i dont want to leave. i want to run. i want to be free. i want to be me. but i dont know who she is. she died 6 years ago. im drowning in a sea of emotion. im alone. all i want is to be a part of something, to feel like im a part of something. i have been watching happy people with their happy friends and family my whole life and i want to feel happy like them. i dont know. i dont know what to do. i feel torn.