growing up, I always thought it was
normal
to wander into your parents room and see your dad putting on makeup.
I never knew anything different from him coming home from work and changing into my mothers clothes.
I always
always
always thought
he was beautiful.
On Friday nights he would spend three or four hours getting dressed up -
she was the most fabulous queen I'll ever see.
I'd sit next to him as he'd wipe his face back to a blank canvas
and then begin redrawing on the person, as I found out later,
that he always wanted to be.
his hair grew out - longer than mine ever was.
jet black and wavy, I just thought he was trying out another style -
not once did I put the pieces together;
not even when he started going to lazer appointments,
getting all his facial hair permanently removed

fastforward a few years and
I didn't know that the reason he was throwing up
was because of the hormones
he bravely injected himself with every two weeks.
I'm not naive, I was in denial.
I never saw my father again.
the night he left was the beginning to the first of many panic attacks.
he was in the hospital almost two weeks

at school people would ask about my dad-
I'd tell them I didn't have one.
her face was unidentifiably swollen the day she came home,
I didn't know who this person was.
she had
no right
to call me boo boo,
she didn't know me like my father had.
I couldn't watch
her eat.
swollen lips wouldn't fit around
the smallest spoon we had
she was a weak, baby-like imposter.
constantly needed looking after,
she had stolen my big strong papa.

she tried to hug me
but how can you hug back
someone who in that moment,
and the finite yet innumerable moments since
you found yourself hating -
because they were a
someone who took away your hero
someone who robbed you of your best friend.

months is what it would take me
to look her in they eye
and call her the name she chose for herself.
years is what I've needed to
stop consciously thinking about
pronouns.

my grandmother tells me to
never say never
but I've never
called her mom.
don't let me think I'm a bad person
my love for this life form
will never lessen,
it will only ever change.