Tap, Tap, Tap
I look at my alarm clock
In my blurred vision I read 3 AM on the dot.
What could possibly be this important?
Tap, Tap, Tap
A little louder this time, a bit more rushed
I make my way over to my window
I see her silhouette through the curtains.
Standing there like the ghost she is.
Everyone sees her, but they always look right through her
Something she has learned to mirror back
Tap, Tap, Tap
I gently pull the curtain away and unlatch my window
I invite her in.
She refuses, she always refuses my invitations.
I need you she whispers
Please follow me, its urgent.
Hey she has been my best friend all of my life,
When she needs me, I don’t hesitate to follow her.
“Hold on I’ll get my slippers”
No, you will need sneakers where we are going she whispers
So I put on my sneakers and she has already begun walking down the road
As usual, I am always behind her.
All of our lives she has always been steps and phases ahead
But it doesn’t phase me.
Flashback 9 years old she had her first kiss with the boy next door.
It was just a peck she says, right here and brushes her hand across my lips
At age 12 she had her first boyfriend
And by 14 she lost her virginity.
Here we are 17 years old and I still cling tight to mine.
Hey!
Suddenly she pulls me back to reality, 3:15 in the morning at the end of a dead end road
How is it, this is always how our stories go?
Come, it’s this way she glances back at me
Eyes so razor sharp, eyes always so very alive
Suddenly she is leading me through thick patches of brush
Which turn into patches and patches of trees
Ouch!
Suddenly the trees have turned into thorns
But she keeps going strong
The girl doesn’t even have a coat on, just lets the world around her cut her up
This isn’t the first time, just look at her damn scars
The world is always tearing her apart.
Finally we reach an open field
I catch up to her here and stop her momentarily.
“hey come on what are we doing out here? Look at your arms, hun, why don’t we go back?”
No, Asher, there is no turning back.
I should have seen that coming.
So onwards we go, two ghosts gliding through an abandoned meadow.
We get to the other side and she leads me through a tunnel of trees
This part of the walk is much more easy,
I can tell she has come here a lot
So gracefully moving over this jutted root and that jagged rock
Then finally we come to a stop.
I hear water rushing and that’s when I see it
A river in the middle of our journey,
She turns to me, her eyes more lit up then the fireflies in July
Then she smiles shyly and looks down
I, I want to see if I have the will to live she whispers
What are you talking about Chloe?
She uncovers something hidden under a blanket
I want to see if I really want to live
As she uncovers two cinder blocks and some rope
Whoa Chloe, you can’t be serious you are going to die, this is a death wish
No, this is a test of my will to live
You and I know for a fact what happens when those cinder blocks hit the current
We both know about your will to live,
Then I deserve what’s coming to me.
If I cant save myself, then who will save me?
I will.
You wouldn’t jump in that water after me Asher; you have too much to live for
You don’t need me to save you from that water, you need me to save you from yourself
But she had already bent down and began tying herself to the cinder blocks
If you go in that water, and you come out, you might as well have died, because you will be dead to me Chloe
Asher, look don’t you see I need to do this.
I need to prove to myself I am worth life
There are better ways of self-assurance
Ways, that wont kill you.
We are all going to die at some point or another Asher, if I die here trying to prove to myself I should live, what better way is there to go?
I can name a few, naturally for starters, but if you really want to kill yourself at least do it sacrificing yourself for some body else
Is that how you want to go?
Not tonight. I am not ready to die
I don’t wish to face my maker.
If I die, I will be leaving the same way I started, in water
Don’t you see this is perfect, if I live its like I will have been reborn.
If you want to be reborn via water take a bath, go swimming, don’t waste your one chance at life trying to prove to yourself you have a right to live
Its not that I don’t have a right to live, I need to see if I have the will
If you can’t figure that out without jumping in the water, then I am just going to have to walk away from you.
And so he walked.
Wait Asher! Please
He turned and looked at her
I don’t want you to leave; I don’t want to do this on my own.
Tears were welling up in her eyes
Don’t you see Chloe? You have never been alone in this world
I was there.
I was your obedient soldier; I would fight any and every of your battles,
But you labeled me a lap dog. Thought I was just a little puppy you could command around
That one year, in 9th grade, you used your “leash” to hang me
You left me alone and empty,
And when Jared hurt you, I was the one fighting for you the next week
You remember that right? He was shoving you into lockers telling you that you were worthless?
Even though you treated me no better than he treated you
I ran to your side and defended you.
“You were my knight in shining armor”
No, you just thought I was your idiot in tin foil.
I have never been anything more than Asher.
Nothing more than that, even though I have been here
I have fought for you and cried for you
Worried for you and lied for you
Yet you cant even respect me enough to tell me the truth
Why did you drag me out here to watch you die?
Asher, you have always been everything to me
You never once showed it.
I heard the snickers and jabs that day your friends dared you to kiss me
How did that feel? Knowing how I have felt about you all of these years?
How did it feel to just kiss me, get my hopes up, and then leave?
If I meant everything you had a funny way of showing it.
Asher, I will admit I have made my mistakes
Yeah and bringing me out here tonight was one of them.
I would never allow myself to jump into that water, because I know all about my will to live
I would just lay a corpse at the bottom of that river, and no one would ever find me
Or even remember I existed.
My name would be listed, in the obituary in the newspaper, that would be my fifteen mins of fame
I would be the kid everyone talked about, oh that kid who killed himself oh whats his name?
My will to live doesn’t exceed the laws of nature.
I would never risk everything I have ever lived for, to jump in
Why do you want to do this? Because someone called you a w****, told you sex was a sin?
Maybe if you stopped hanging with losers you wouldn’t feel like one.
I am outta here.
And he walked away from her and listened for a splash that never came
All he heard instead was a waterfall of tears,
But he couldn’t turn back; he has been turning back to her for years.
This time would be different.
This would either be the start of a stronger Chloe, or the devastating end of their flimsy as it was friendship
It was good at one point, but just as the leaves change color each year, so did the dimensions of friends that they had been.
They started out as best friends, turned into friends with no end, until he realized their friendship was a lie
And she hated who she was on the inside always trying to give love to some guy
Because her mom is a drunken fool
And her dad ditched out on her mom once they finished high school
And after each battle and fight
She would find a new bed to lay in at night
She would allow a new man in tonight
But she never wandered to my house where I would let her take my bed and I would sleep on the floor
Because I would want her to get some sleep,
Because I respect that she is good for so much more than a one night stand
If only she had decided to stay with a real man
Then maybe, maybe she would have found her will to live.
Maybe everything that she was looking for wouldn’t lie the bottom of a river littered with everything she absolutely hates.
Beer cans and empty space
Why, if you don’t want to live a life with those objects, would you envelop your death in them?
I don’t understand her any more now than I did then.
She didn’t give up on it all that night, but she did cut her wrists before saying good night
They found her in time and now she gets treatment,
But nothing can cure the remainders of a broken home and a broken heart.
My long lost love Chloe will always be torn apart.