During the summer I wear my sunglasses so often that the world around me looks permanently tinted. They shield my eyes from life’s sometimes unbearable brightness that can get in the way of being able to see all that is there.
But at the end of the day when the sky transforms itself from a pale blue to enchanting pinks and oranges, I take my glasses off. I can then watch the moon rise into a dark blackblue sea of stars straining to be.
Summers, for me, have always been a time when I get to read as much as I want, lie in bed until noon listening to music whilst smelling the outside, and starting with the summer of 2012, daydream inside of McDonald’s drive through window as I bag salty french fries and repeat “Have a nice day”.
But it took me until the summer I turned seventeen to discover that not everyone stays quietly in their houses each night, waiting for spectacular things to happen to them and falling asleep on the couch.
No. When I turned seventeen I found out that beautiful, terrible things happen at night.
People change into mysterious dangerous wonderful cruel beings. They’re loud then quiet, they blow smoke in your face and all you can see is the light of their cigarette, their smiles aren’t visible, you can’t tell if they’re crying, they tell you they love you when they don’t, they kiss you, they smell of campfire, they hold on tighter, they run faster, they’re more reckless, they’re extremely careful, they wear lipstick and line their eyes, they cut themselves, they are barefoot with nowhere to go, they take, take, take, they hide.
It was this summer that I decided to join them. I wanted so much.
I wanted to be golden
to be different
to live off of strawberriesandhoney
to keep going
although hope was far from here.
So I followed them with a curious heart.
But the music was too loud
and I kept on dancing.
How could I find my way back?
When do I stop?
I don’t sleep.
Its gone now,
now we keep vodka in our bras
our smiles have become sneaky
they don’t reach our eyes.
we’ve stopped eating
we’ve devoured happiness
and only sadness is left.
Every night was the same.
We were running
braids in our hair
perfume on our necks
alcohol on our breath.
We were young
I was suffocating
you were with me
and I was alone.
what do you do
when what is supposed to make you full
leaves you empty?
when a trail of mascara is left on your white pillow
because you said you were
okay
but were actually crying?
we are haunted
surrounded by ghosts
will I become one of them?
I want to be real
I am skin and bone
blood
l am lips filled with words and love
I am eyelashes that contain every wish
I am the arms
the breast
the spine
Don’t let me slip into nothing
I am coming through the rye.
But cannot find the end
or me
How many times do you have to look in the mirror
before you see yourself?
Am I looking too hard?
In all the wrong places?
We itch
stop scratching
it’ll only leave you wanting
it’ll only make you lust
I feel like ariel
where did my voice go?
to the ocean?
it’s drowning
without me
“take me with you,” I whisper
I’ll make friends with the mermaids who wear seashell bras
and tell me their secrets.

I am constantly being pushed to the back
gone unnoticed
stepped on
spat on
Silenced
Well I won’t be silent anymore
I’ll scream
I will be
I will be
like those stars that strain.
I want to let my hair down
Who cares who knows?
I’m beautiful
I am free.
It was a chilly nightmorning at 2:04 and my red nails were chipping
Mermaid took the lead
swimming into darkness
I had goosebumps
stumbling through dewey grasses we crouched beneath bushes
whispering and giggling as the police cars slowed past.
We did cartwheels in the street
We held hands
and waited for boys that never show up
and when they do they only look at Mermaid;
her long eyelashes
shiney mermaid hair.
She leaves me each time
and I’m not surprised that she does it.
So I watch her go
and in my mind I’m going crazy
in my mind I walk away
and keep walking
until I reach the edge of the world
and I wouldn’t think before I fell
I just would
and there would be this person
with pretty eyes
and they’d be beautiful
because how could they not be
when everyone is
and pretty eyes would catch me
and I’d wonder how long they’d been there waiting for me to fall.
But in reality I wait
and cross my arms over my chest
and dream that it is me
that I’m the mermaid instead of myself
and I feel cold
I feel ugly
who will hold me?
who will keep me warm?
Air is far away
and I am under everything
When she finds me I’m lying in her front yard
feeling so small
I don’t look at her as she lies down next to me
her head on my shoulder
She kisses me on the cheek
“I’m sorry,” she says
“For what?”
“For us”
And I knew we could never go on.