Right now, I wish for nothing more than the past. I want to be in your car with you again, driving down unfamiliar roads, sitting in blissful silence when our favorite songs come on, laughing at all our silly mistakes. Your smile is what I miss the most. I pray that you never had to fake a smile with me. I hope I had brought you a happiness that was as great as the one you brought me - that is an impossibility though, I know. You exclaimed that you loved me more, that you loved me the way that I am. But now you're gone. There are still so many traces of you left around me. Every night, you wind up here in my dreams, against my will. My subconcious is torturing me with images and memories of you. The worst part is that I doubt you have any clue what this is doing to me. I doubt you have any clue how much you truly meant to me. I set aside my pride and confronted you. Your answers were less than comforting. All those nights spent together, lying in your arms, holding your hand, kissing your cheek, getting lost in your presence.. those are burned into my mind. But it was just like sand washed away by the waves for you, wasn't it? How could it be so simple for you to forget it all? I wish to be like that too. You were the one who was taking away my pain, now you're the reason for the greatest pain I've ever felt. I don't mean to cry. It just happens now. I hear a song, see an old picture, remember an experience.. then it all rushes back to me. You're leaving soon, farther away than I dare to really know. I don't know how I'll make due in this town without you. I'm barely handling now. I can't seem to stop changing myself either. I don't want to be anything like the tiny, pale, dark haired girl with the strange laugh that you knew and "loved". I want to be anything, but her. I hate change. But now that seems to be all I want. I don't know what is to become of us from here. I know you want some great reunion in the future, when we can both say that we are independent and happy, and that we should go get a coffee sometime. But if this is what you're going to put me through before then, if this is the scar that I'm going to have to bear for the next two years - then I'm not sure I'll be able to even look at you when that time does arrive. I'm sorry that I love you.