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Love and Affection
I observed you from afar.
Discreetly yes, but constantly.
I watched you,
and found great solace in your stoicism.
Your disposition, calm and relaxed.
Your blank, uninterested stares across the room perplexed me to no end,
Your indifference to the outside world intrigued me.
Each day, my curiosity grew.
The chiseled jaw, aristocratic nose, cerulean eyes, and horizontal smirk
I peered so frequently at
made me wonder.
What was the source of the worry etched into your flawless perfection
of a face?
Your preoccupied glances over the room
that screamed for my attention?
The rapid darting of your eyes
as soon as you dragged them slowly off the ground
and directed them towards me?
And every time we
neared each other,
I could feel it.
I think we both could.
For the strong magnetism,
and heavy gravity
urging our uncertain bodies to move closer
was almost tangible.
But every time,
our rationality overpowered this attraction.
Our bodies were fighting a futile battle against our minds.
Winning was impossible,
There was simply no way that our logical reasoning would
surrender to the physicality of the urges we shared.
Our pragmatisicism would always
triumph over our desires.
I still remember that day.
I always will.
Your averted eyes,
downcast and completely devoid of emotion
stared longingly at the ground,
with a vacancy that was surpassed only by their intentness.
The expression on your face,
serious and sullen,
as your furrowed brows etched deep, ugly wrinkles
into your youthful perfection
caused me to wonder what internal struggles
you were facing.
And more importantly, if any of those internal struggles
I observed you.
You observed me.
We observed each other.
Stolen glances from across the small room,
much too quick to
It was a game.
Whoever could steal the longest glance
without being noticed by the other
emerged the proud victor...
I too, uncertain and unsure,
averted my eyes,
and focused instead on the laminated streaks that swept across the aging wooden floor.
Much too afraid to look into your
mesmerizing azure eyes,
I thought quietly and silently about you.
Among the stream of questions that spiralled in my
I asked myself how.
How could I be so naive,
childish, foolish even,
to consider the thought
of you and me together?
How could I even entertain
the frivolous belief that you and I could ever amount
But it was the same
For each time,
I would reassure myself
that it did no harm to dream.
So I continued on
with our game.
As I avoided
a direct look into your captivating eyes,
I became more and more frightened.
Much too uncertain,
and much too fragile,
I would sneak short glances at you,
overcome by relief each time you didn’t catch me.
But there was that one time.
That one time you did catch me,
and instead of quickly averting your eyes
back to the tarnished wood like you always did,
you held my gaze.
Your blank eyes hypnotized me,
and nothing could break the magical spell you had forced me under.
Shifting my gaze was no longer an option,
I had lost all power to move,
I was powerless.
Under your gaze, I was powerless.
And I had been foolish and naive to
think the physical part of our relationship
would ever retire.
Because in that moment,
when our eyes had finally met each other’s gaze,
the overwhelming, piercing pain
that rushed to my heart alarmed me.
Under your gaze, I was translucent.
A clear and fragile body of glass.
You saw right through my calm facade,
You saw right through my steady disposition.
When you met my gaze,
you penetrated my delicate soul.
And I was shattered,
broken in pieces on the floor,
like a hollow and fragile china doll,
tipped recklessly over the edge of a table.
Sharp and edged,
frozen and fragmented,
there I sat.
I had lost the game.
Had failed completely in deciphering
the source of the worry that
had engulfed your eyes.
On that fateful day,
You had paralyzed me.
Your power had removed my strong legs from under me
and left me powerless
On that fateful day,
my trembling legs had transformed
Burdensome and oppressive cement.
And my injured heart, too heavy to be supported,
had fallen and crumbled into pieces,
invisible shards of glass on an enormous, bottomless floor.
The pain, unforgiving,
and ceaseless, kept me awake.
As I thought back, I was reminded of
how foolish I truly was.
How naive I had been,
like a young and careless child,
unaware of the harsh realities of life,
and too carefree to live in a world with problems,
I had allowed my deep fascination with you,
to blind me,
and conceal reality from view.
It had obscured
my vision and left me living in a world where anything was possible.
A magical land where even an idea as preposterous as the thought of you and me together
could reside happily.
But when I was hit with the sudden realization
that you didn’t share the same fondness I shared for you,
and received confirmation that my fantasy of you and I being together
was shattered forever,
I was brought abruptly back to reality,
a place where movement was nonexistent for
what seemed like an eternity.
Like a sharp blast of icy water,
I was at once saturated in chills,
shivering violently as my entire world stilled before my eyes.
And after the paralyzing shock,
the anger and deep frustration that had brewed deep inside for longer than Forever,
the dark, hollow depths of my soul.
Yes of course, by now, this process had become routine,
but my familiarity with this situation could not lessen the pain I suffered through, or
calm the frustration I endured.
Quite the contrary, for it amplified my emotions.
And next came the questions.
How long would I have to suffer?
How many more times would this happen before I could find my own serenity?
My own love.
This pain had exhausted me,
and left behind a weary heart,
a broken soul,
and a mind that very much preferred to keep its internal thoughts hidden to the outside world.
And so I prayed for better, brighter days.
Days where I would no longer suffer.
Days where I could marvel at the simple and subtle joys of life.
Days where freedom from pain was a reality
and not a frivolous wish...
I looked at him and saw the happiness painted
across his alluring face.
The dilated pupils enclosed by the azure discs of color
But a brief glance in his direction was all it took.
I couldn’t stop myself.
The relentless bulbous droplets slid freely over my smooth skin,
as the pain I had so skillfully suppressed, surfaced,
a sharp rusted arrow shot directly into my frail heart at full speed,
piercing my delicate soul.
And my lungs tried to inhale air that
didn’t seem to exist.
And as I saw the way the luminosity in his eyes
seemed to dance in the shimmering specks of his iris,
I could almost see the little pieces of my heart
floating away into the nothingness.
Each fragment dissolving into the soft summer air,
seized by the cruel wind.
But I couldn’t control myself.
Each glimpse more deadly,
the pain that rushed to my chest crushed and compacted me,
like strong blows, one after another after another,
Leaving me breathless, and forcing me to my knees.
Each time I became amused by his jokes,
my laughter roared,
almost double in volume to his own.
But there was no pretending.
The pain that seared through me,
cutting into me,
a jagged double-edged sword,
seeping into my already damaged soul,
could never be concealed.
My laughter hid my heart’s urge to expose my true emotions.
So there I stood, ragged and broken at the core,
fighting an internal battle none but myself was aware of.
Smiling and laughing cheerfully, but weeping uncontrollably on the inside.
I wouldn’t ever allow my true emotions to escape.
They would forever remain captive,
and not even death could change that.