It took longer than most suspected
For me to go back to my old ways
It took weeks
Rather than days

Now I'm back to my old ways
The habits in which I've always hated
I have fallen into the same traps as before

Death is a daily thought
As are you
I'm sorry for every night we fought

I talk to strangers again
I talk to purvey men.
They make me feel wanted.
With memories of you, I'm haunted.
I'm dirty again.

One thing is different.
I'm not afraid anymore.
Now I jump from the bridges
Like I always wanted.

Sometimes I think.
I think maybe this fall will kill me.
Is it thought, or hope?
I went to the store today.
I bought rope.
Will I die this way?

I'm hurt.
I smile.
I lie, say I'm okay.
I wonder why you walked away.
I'm hurt,
Really badly.

But no one sees.
These are my old ways.
I never wanted them
I never wanted to go back.
But this is how I feel again

I'm stuck in my old ways.
Drowning in shame.
I'm counting the days,
Til I end this game.