Please understand I can’t be productive today,
for I’m too busy hating myself
and asking why can’t I just do the things
that I’m supposed to be doing?
Like passing my driver’s test,
or writing my essays,
or even showing up to class.

I mean I go there,
but I’m not present.
I participate with my eyes closed
and the teachers yell my name,
pleading with me to pay attention
while they ramble about nothing.
And I just sit there ,
drinking my coffee pretending that I care.

I’ll be gone in a couple months
and nobody will be there to ask me
what I’m doing every single second of every single day,
asking me what my plan is for the night
or how I’m going to become a functioning member of society.

To be honest,
I’d rather just not think about my future
because I’m terrified of failing
and I’m terrified of dying before I make something of myself,
but I’m just too lazy to make meaning of anything.

I’m physically and mentally exhausted of being a high school student:
waking up at the crack of dawn just to miss my bus,
running to my classes to “learn” from teachers I can’t stand,
spending lunch by myself because
I can’t work up the courage to make any new friends
and drifting home just to procrastinate on the hours of homework
I’ve piled up for myself.

Rinse lather repeat
for 180 days of the year.
And I still have 120 more to go
until I can shake the hand of my homeroom teacher
who still doesn’t know my name.
And everything has become so impersonal and apathetic
that I’ve resorted to just going through the motions
of an 18 year old girl who’s never really been in love.

And it’s pathetic that what I’m most worried about is as prom date
because nobody ever shows interest in the girl who never speaks,
or when she does speak she doesn’t make any sense.
So I’ll just sit here in my sweaters pretending I don’t hate you all,
wishing I had some sort of school spirit so I can lie to my kids about loving high school.
How it wasn’t the worst four years of my life
and how I didn’t spend every day biting my nails,
praying that maybe the Mayans were right so that I wouldn’t have to finish high school.
Every day that I go, is one day I won’t ever have to go back,
which is the one thing I know I am thankful for
because I don’t think I could take one more year of this downward spiral.

I’m ready to heal but I like destroying myself too much.
I’d rather obsess about five UK guys than study for any of my finals.
I wish I was more concerned with my education
considering that’s what I will try to put value into in the future.
But who’s going to believe the high school English teacher
who could never even write a rough draft?