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Tonight, I Pray
Some people ask of me how long it takes to fall in love,
And I will always have exactly one answer for those who question it.
Slowly, but then very, very suddenly,
Falling in love takes a great deal of courage, but even more foolishness.
How illogical is it to allow one person with the ability to destroy every last speck of you,
The great absurdity is that you trust that one person to not break your heart.
Mistrust in love is shattering and more often than not, takes away the joy in love.
The moment I knew I was in love with you, everything was changed.
My perception of the entirety of our friendship was altered,
Just in that awful moment where my world shifted and I was left feeling broken.
I was struggling to keep my head above the water.
The brief moments when my lungs filled oxygen were bright.
As long as I kept myself breathing, everything was beautiful, and lovely and wonderful.
These moments ended just as quickly as they began.
I was pulled under the water again,
And nothing was right.
The world was tumbling, turning, churning all around me.
There was no direction; I only found more water wherever I turned.
I was only aware of the begging I did not I started.
Finally, I plead to someone, anyone, -god maybe? - to just let me drown.
But, sure enough I would surface for just long enough,
To receive just enough oxygen to keep me going in the bright flashes of what I believe…
Is my life, until the blackness takes over again and I only feel numb.
In the bright moments where I truly feel, everything is blurred and exaggerated and heightened,
I am unsure of what is imaginary and what really happens.
I have made a habit of keeping everything in, and only release small bursts when I am alone.
Alone in my thoughts, and alone in the world.
Constantly, I would pray for relief from the feelings I did not want or understand.
It never came, and I begin to believe it never will.
But then I see death and renewal of life all around me and I pray to a god I am not sure I believe in,
To end my life for the sake another, and to make my life meaningful
So I might be remembered for something other than the grief I always inexplicably felt.
Tonight, I pray for myself and for others to benefit from my death, and soon.