I close my eyes...and I see him. That Boy.
Honey curls…green eyes…a smile.
That same distant look in his eyes…every time.
Always.

His mouth turns up at the corner when he smiles.
The dimples appear.
Always.

His heartbeat is faint under his shirt. That Boy’s.
When I fall…he picks me up.
His heart never misses a beat.
But it did…oh, yes…it did.
When his car crashed into the drunk driver’s.

Now his heart misses every beat…..and my heart misses his beat.
Always.
Why’d you leave me?

It was always me storming off into the night. Possibly cliché but…
It was always me running away from our problems. Dramatic maybe but…
It was always me threatening to leave…

and it was you who’d chase me and beg me to stay…promising to change.
I never wanted you to change.
Can’t you see that?
You were a perfect gentleman….
It was me…
who should’ve changed.

Now the keys in my hand feel cold and cruel.
I should have changed…

I get in my car and the engine grumbles in angst.
It misses you next to me.

The car lurches forward…upset you aren’t here to ease the clutch and drive away.
I let myself go on the road speeding and running red lite after red light,
but I don’t get the fiery death I
Want…
Hope For…
Need.

Your grave. I end up here.
Always.

As I kneel down, the tree that protects you looses a branch. That big one hanging precariously…up there
I watch it fall.…slowly…
with you…..
always……