I want to feel full no matter where I am

I don’t want to be controlled by my surroundings

I have never felt as complete and at peace as I did when I was 10

I felt complete walking through my grandfather's woods. My sister and I would walk through the trees together looking for an adventure.

We would start by walking out from my grandpa's back door that led to his porch. This wooden porch is surrounded by trees and filled with old and rusty blue beach chairs. There are steps on either side of the porch.

On one side if you walk 20 feet then your feet will be wet with the unswimmable water. 

The pond is big and surrounded by trees except on the opposite side to the house. This area used to be completely empty except the storage buildings that mark this place in mind. I could be any amount of lost and if I saw those buildings I would know exactly where to turn.

This pond is where my older cousin who loved reptiles and amphibians would take turtles from and after years release them. The pond was the only connection I ever had with my older cousin. I remember when we were little and he would take us with. In this little pedal boat that remains flipped over on the edge of the pond.

As we age we stopped hanging out with my grandpa or cousins that were rarely there to talk to. We started wandering off into the woods. Walking down the steps toward the pond and turning to walk parallel with the house toward a patch of black root flowers. The path takes you through the woods along the pond to the other side that is no longer blank. My Mother convinced him to plant a row of trees.

When I was young the path was well defined with very little plants, but that changed as I got older and the path was less used. 

On the other side of the porch it is an open area with trees on the right hiding the driveway. As you walk forward and next to the house there is a garage on the left that reeks of gasoline. Near the garage there is a popcorn truck that is older than my mom. I am told stories of when my grandparents were young and they would travel the country in that popcorn truck. 

If you keep walking past the garage after the trees close in just a bit, it opens to a huge area with a pile of whatever natural waste my Grandfather has collected on his property over many years. He used to talk about burning it and he now says he wants to be cremated on it. I don’t know if he is serious about that. 

My grandparents owned the house for many years before he moved in. My grandma could not take the steps of a two story house. After she passed it was only a few months before he moved in. He seems happy there and loves being a homeowner, which my mother seems to have inherited. She does not want to be compared to her father so I’ve only told her that once.

When I asked my grandfather about their marriage said they were married too young. I don’t think that was the issue, I think it was that the women in my family are cursed to be treated less than. My Aunt told me we were cursed to choose bad men.