When i first met you i told you i was clumsy

which i was

tripping over words and feelings and ideas of who you were

and what you thought of me

until you walked up and stamped on my toes as i feel down

until i realized you were just as ruined as me

a mess

a train wreck

completely off the rails 

but still balanced on a tightrope of expectations 

and masks used to hide everything you felt

everything you felt for me

because even as you feel apart you managed to hold me up

i could see you falling even as you told me you were flying

flying through the lies i told you to keep you here

because you were breaking

and it wasn’t my time to fall apart

no

it was my time to pull you out of your mess

but never into mine

keeping you teetering at the single balanced point of sanity

hanging there by a thread

that i made with my tears

solidified to hold you up

but frozen into ice more brittle than the words you threw at me

for some reason, even though i loved you 

i couldn’t fix you

no more than i could fix myself

i never did get a chance to pull myself together

did i?

(i never got a chance to fall apart)

i guess neither of us were surprised when you pushed me off

just like you always had.

After that it got messy

“it” being how much i loved you

“it” as unimportant as how much i hurt

which you said was nothing

and i thought so too.

Because you kicked me and punched me and pummeled me into

nothing

and everything i felt was a product of something you couldn’t deal with

an action you took because somehow

for some reason

it became my job to be stronger than you

to be stronger against you.

I can hardly complain

after all

you only ever hurt me when you were in pain

and when i was in pain you saved me

even when you were saving me from you

it still counted

as love, as a hand holding me

instead of hitting me

didn’t it?

i think i wanted it to

i know you wanted it to.

You see

i think i’ve finally figured you out

because, you see

you only left me 

when finally, i left you.