Hey - is this recording?

Hello, hello.

Mic check. 

Can you hear me?

How do you use one of these thi-

Oh, it’s recording!

Alright… Um…

I’ll only say this once, so listen closely, okay?

I love you.

Rewind

I love you.

Rewind

I love you.

Rewind

I-

Rewind

-lie in bed for what has felt like hours, but might have been minutes, or days.

The ticking clock harshly announces the passage of time in agonisingly slow seconds,

each one harshly punctuating the deafening silence.

It’s been 70,184 seconds since last midnight.

16,216 seconds left until the next one.

Part of you awaits expectantly for 12:00 AM,

as though the passage of one day to another means anything.

But what use is there in thinking of a future that is identical to the present?

Tomorrow will be the same: lying in bed for hours upon hours,

everything losing its flavour and colour as you wait for something,

anything, without knowing what that is.

Tomorrow will be like today, and yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before-

Rewind

I love you

Rewind

Another part of you is terrified of the passing time,

Extremely, painfully aware of the time you’re wasting.

The world around you moves

forward,

The people around you move

forward,

Time

Inexorably

Moves

Forward,

And you’re stuck here, trapped,

awake but not lucid,

dreaming but not asleep,

past and future and present and past all

flowing into one another under the painful, eternal

now,

as I try to do anything, anything

else try to get out of bed try

to leave this room try

to break free of this cage try-

but when the present is unbearable and the future nonexistent,

the past is the only place you can 

escape

Rewind

-to that summer

I remember you took me by the hand and led me to that spot by the lake while the thick autumn leaves crunched under our boots and you tried to skip stones with that consistent pat-pat-plop and maybe a sigh of disappointment and sometimes you’d make that snorting sound when you laughed and I said you sounded like a frog and you’d punch me in the arm and I would have to stop drawing and I loved drawing I loved drawing you skipping stones I love you I love you I love-

Rewind

-you but I-

You-

We-

We didn’t know, then, that

summer wouldn’t last forever and-

Rewind

I love you

Rewind

I remember-

I remember that last day you and I

meant us, that last day I remember I saw-

Rewind

-you

and you joked and laughed as your melting ice cream fell to the ground after a single bite and I’d laugh at you because who bites ice cream but you still wanted more so we shared that chocolate snack the one you hated but learned to love after I made you try it and we were surrounded by empty wrappers and the lingering taste of sweet and I looked into your eyes and they crinkled from smiling too much

and I wondered-

Rewind

-how could you

Smile

after that night?

You said you’d always be there for me.

Where were you when I needed you?

You made an accident, broke it all by accident, but

how could you shatter me, so wholly

and completely,

and

smile?

I remember

I was ready to try and forgive you again but

when I looked into your eyes and saw not a

twinge of emotion or regret,

I realised that was it.

We shattered that day into you and I, 

and you’ll-

we’ll never be able to fit the pieces back.

Rewind

I love you

Rewind

Maybe things could have been different,

Maybe if I never tried to speak to you, maybe if I was smarter, maybe if I was better, maybe if I never tried, maybe if I tried, maybe if I was never like this, maybe if I was just better, maybe if so many things were different 

But they’re not.

And I remember-

I remember you said-

Rewind

-you wished that you could go back and that you could make things right and that you could do so much more than you did and that you could undo so much that you did and your head hung low held between clasped hands like you were praying but you couldn’t look me in the eye and I was silent and I realised then that my silence hurt you more than my anger and

you promised that you’d try to do better, be better, be the person I needed and

you promised that next time would be different, that things were different this time round and

you promised “I love you” and

you promised-

Rewind

-didn’t you?

But I’d rather you never promised at all.

You tried,

or at least tried to try,

but couldn’t.

Like the time before and the time before that and-

and the time before that you-

Rewind

-tried to skip stones with that consistent pat-pat-plop and maybe a sigh of disappointment and-

Rewind

-you said 

you tried your best,

but your best should have been better.

But of course

why did I expect anything different?

This is how it was always going to end.

It doesn’t matter how much we try anymore.

We’re past that point,

far past that point,

and there’s nothing left here.

A part of me wants to believe that you’re waiting-

that you’re waiting for me outside that door,

that it was all a bad dream,

that you and I are still We,

that you were there, you are there for me,

that we live in the world where things can be okay.

Where we can be okay.

But I know you’re not there.

I know I can’t leave this cage.

I know things can’t-

I know we can’t be okay now.

I know.

You don’t have to tell me, okay?

I know.

All we have left-

All I have left are memories,

replayed again and again,

back to then,

back to happy,

back to us,

slowly fading,

breaking,

until all that remains is 

the memory of a memory

Rewind

the memory of a memory

Rewind

I love you

Rewind

I l ve y u

Rewind

I l v  y

Rewind

I   v  y

Rewind

I   v

Rewind

I

Rewind

I

Rewind

I

Rewind

Rewind

Rewind