My mental calendar is booked

Feelings compete for time slots, unable to work together

I play the reluctant manager to these workers I didn't hire and can’t fire,

In charge of running a mental business

When they need to feel seen, the feelings visit my office

But most of the time they speak distantly over the phone,

Putting me on hold in between calls

Left to listen to the music

Sometimes, I like the music 

When it sounds like

Peaceful classical, rain falling outside my window

Upbeat rock and pop, the car’s 70s and 80s radio station serenading my rides to school

The songs my heart sings, talking and laughing with my mom

Listening to the pleasantness, I almost forget I’m on hold-

Until I’m suddenly transferred to the complaints of incompatible workers

Anger can’t understand sadness and anxiety…

Sadness wants anger and anxiety fired…

Anxiety is apprehensive about sadness….

Happiness wants to be heard.

Pain demands to be felt.

All of these contradictory feelings join the call, 

yelling over one another until no one is decipherable

the cacophony cancels each one out, 

until all I hear is static

I’m crazed by the dull buzzing; a fly darts around in my ear

my mind an itch I can’t scratch, a sound I can’t pause

I’m numbed by the hypnotizing void; a zombie that eats its own brain

I move heavily to the monotonous ticks of a metronome

All the while, I give a presentation to an unknowing audience 

They watch my performance with slight attention,

They’re busy running their own mental businesses

Those in the front occasionally ask questions

I answer with the right things

It's only when feelings unexpectedly enter that I falter

They’re impatient, thinking they’re important

They’re confrontational, shouting in my ears

Ignoring them only makes their voices louder

My presentation begins to noticeably struggle

No longer able to endure their ceaseless shouts, I order them to leave

The audience, misunderstanding the direction of my order, leaves

But not with the feelings-

They stay