For a short time, I can stay underwater. It doesn’t feel as uncomfortable as holding my breath on land. 

When I’m underwater, it feels like nobody can see me.

It feels like I’m in an inanimate hug. I don’t know if this is just because water is where we come from.

The water doesn’t care that I can’t really swim. The water doesn’t care that my swimsuit is a waterproof shirt and pants. The water doesn’t care that I always have to leave.

Space is a different kind of world.

It’s beautiful, but empty. If you’re alone, you’re alone.

You can’t come up for air.

YOU DON’T NEED AIR. 

Oh. God.

I do.

You know you don’t. Everyone thinks you do.

You don’t know the stuff my parents know about me. My teachers. My friends, and classmates.

You never take the obvious solution. TO ANYTHING. That’s why I’m still here.

No. You’re here because I don’t have the will to kill you.

I’m here because you want me here.

I want to breathe for days at a time.

Look at me. I have gills. I can breathe in the vacuum and you get away with saying you can’t. 

You don’t need that oxygen tank.

You’re making me upset. I want you to leave.

Why would I stick myself with someone like you unless I was being forced to?

Stop holding me to those standards. I’m not just the same as everyone else.

Just try. Try, try, try.

Don’t talk like that. You’re just parroting what you’ve heard a thousand times. 

Trying works, if you aren’t willfully ignorant. You’re worse than childish. 

I’m wired differently. And I am a child.

What happens when that excuse times out?

Humans change. I change.

You’re smart enough, but you couldn’t care less.

And you’re the part of me that’s dumb as rocks. Shut up.

Sometimes I can’t breathe in the vacuum. Sometimes it’s just too hard.

I’m not a traitor. I’m not a sellout. Some people need the tank more than I might, but you can’t take it from me just because you don’t think I deserve it as much.

I don’t need to prove that.

I have autism. I need help sometimes, and sometimes I don’t.

Get out of here. I’m not expecting you to die today, or ever, but I don’t want to see you again now.

Sometimes you’re right, but not today.

Not today.