I knew something was off

when I couldn’t fall asleep the night before you were scheduled to arrive

twisting and turning

and turning

and turning

I slept at 11 and woke at 2

then puttered around my room until the sun rose like an unwelcome guest from the east

and chased the darkness out of the sky

then I slept for another hour and woke up groggy

groggy

groggy

my stomach churning like dirty laundry

At 2 in the afternoon I was reclining in the backyard

when you stepped through the door and threw me for a loop

when did you get so tall? and why were your hands so big?

who shaped your shoulders and carved your forearms with veins?

my heart thumped pathetically in my chest 

1:25 in the morning, our parents were putting away their poker cards

and where was I and where were you?

sitting in my bedroom beating around the bush

I love you I love you I love you 

(the words are stuck in my throat)

I love you I love you I’m a coward I love you

1:30 in the morning

your parents take you out of my room, down the hall and out the door

please say you love me please look me in the eye

bye bye bye baby bye

our parents laugh and wave― We should meet again for Christmas! 

Christmas which is six. months. away. 

As you walk down the steps I see you peek over your shoulder

one

two

three times

bye bye bye baby bye

(all the love songs were right)

I’ll see you in six months’ time