Looming in the edge of the frame, aching to escape this cage

Straining to feel others’ warmth when you’re an eternity away

Always haunted by darkness, but never strong enough to let it consume you

What do you mean you don’t want to go?

You were never really here at all 

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This piece sort of captures how I’ve been feeling lately. Being alone for months on end, stuck at home due to lockdown has caused my social anxiety to worsen (as is with many other individuals experiencing the same thing all over the globe). At times where I can’t avoid social outings, I often find myself at the edge of the crowd, feeling suffocated by all the ‘hellos’ and smiles. Those cheerful faces are concrete; they won’t budge unless shattered by a great force. It’s not that I don’t like the people around me, it’s just that I’m afraid they won’t like me. Which is why I selfishly keep them on a leash - close enough that I can feel their warmth, to ease some of my coldness, but not too close that they would actually have to interact with this freak of a person I've become. 

Sometimes I think about the people who’ve taken extreme measures to relieve themselves of feeling the same emotions I do at times. But I know I’d never. And it’s those dark nights that I regret most, not even trying to warm my heart just a little.

Maybe if I just let go of the leash…

I could disappear.