I Can’t Tell You Why...

It seems like everything has changed since we last talked. I know I should move on but I lay awake at night dwelling on everything that went unsaid. When I’m alone in the dark is when my thoughts race the fastest and create a pounding in my head. I try to, but I can’t block the noise of this evil voice. It tells me all the time that I’m not good enough, and lately I really want to give up. I have no motivation, no reason to feel this way, and yet I’m mentally drained. I can’t stop these thoughts in my head. I can’t silence the devil, and now he’s on both shoulders. But it’s not a whisper he’s emitting, it’s a scream that’s heart wrenching. I can’t tell you why I always seem to be down and depressed, but I’m not the one who made me like this. It’s sad but it's really easy for me to break within myself and nobody sees me. They don’t see that I am clawing at the walls of this refined space. I am locked in a cage. But that cage is my mind, and the door is open to everyone but I. I can see the exit but I can’t quite reach it. I am the suffering prisoner and cruel warden. I have all the keys to doors I can’t open. As a result I search for love with my arms outstretched, but everyone knows I’m a mess. Ask me for more? I give less. 

Ask me for a hug, I don’t mind. But within your heart a bug you’ll find. I have a way of affecting everyone around me. Without even trying, I’ll make you fall for me. But what seems like a good feeling today, is actually a poison sitting silently at bay. Because when I say the word ‘no’, the feelings will only grow. They might go away if I leave, but the second I return you’ll be hypnotized. Like a necromancer I’ll bring back the thoughts you thought were dead. I wish I knew why, but they say my eyes are enchanting, mesmerizing. Whether I know of these things you feel is up to you, but know that I might not feel that spark too. 

Don’t act like you know me, my feelings are not up to you. They come and go, whether or not I want them to. I don’t really know what to do. Do I cry and run to my room? Or do I just suck it up and move on like you? Is that really the right thing to do? Whether I like it or not, I have to live with you. But every second is a second closer to a battle in my head that I can’t handle. My mind is not a safe place, rather a trap that was put in place, by a king who couldn’t accept me. I don't understand what's happening to me. This isn't like me. 

Too many times I’ve tried to escape, yet every time I succumb to hate. The gate is wide open- I can see it, but you are my totem: a price I cannot pay.  I can’t tell you why I hate my life so, I just know that I am a troubled soul.