Argumentative

Opinionated

Worked up

All are words used to describe me

When I deign to express a thought

Or my feelings

When I have the audacity to exercise my right to share an idea

They laugh and chuckle

Whisper underneath their breaths

As if they haven't just used one word

To define me

And my mind

As if I should have just nodded along

And agreed to any statement made

Regardless of what I think

Or how I feel

Heat rushes to my cheeks, a rush of lava

My chest tightens, a ball rapidly deflating

Sweat beads my palms, floodgates opening

I tell myself it’s simply indignation

Exasperation

Annoyance

I hide the underlying feelings of shame

Feelings I shouldn’t be experiencing

For just opening my mouth

Feelings they have forced upon me with their remarks 

Their dismissive, “I was just joking”s

My mind

The one thing I rely on through all other failings

Is being slowly turned against me

They mold it into something ugly

Something wrong

Something that should be silenced

It bucks against the bindings

But with each word

Each comment

Each joke

It fights just a little less

Until it lays limp and out of place

A fish flopping in dry desert sand

My tongue turns red from teeth being pressed into it

Over and over again

I fight through the fears of reproach

Every time I want to share a belief

Feeling as though I’m wading through molasses

Debating whether or not it's worth the struggle

Yet, still I decide it is each time

And I just hope that that will be the decision I keep making