This is my vow

I speak it loud for all to hear 

When my world comes tumbling down

When I look below my feet and watch the dirt crack away like a thin sheet of ice on a frozen lake

I will rebuild 

The bottom of my stomach rises to the top only to drop back down again 

I know this feeling all too well

My feet fall through and 

I begin to tumble

Falling down into that silent void that is the universe

Then as if I have reached the end of a rope strung around my neck

I bounce a moment and swing, lifeless 

I hang suspended in the darkness

This is where I let the tears run like the blood from a hanging pig

I must let it all out until I am only a shell 

They trickle down my cheek

Reaching my chin

Cascading down my chest and my stomach

I wash myself of the old

And I begin anew

This world will be nothing like the last one and that causes my heart to ache

But it will be beautiful because it is different

There are nights I wish to return to one of my planets that I had grown so accustomed

to 

The ones that held me, against the sweet soft grass smelling of rolling hills in July

The ones that were sharp against my nose with a crisp autumn breeze

The ones that convinced me I had power inside of me 

But the crying is over

There is no more time for years 

I could remain in space if I liked 

Swinging from that thread like an ornament on a tree branch 

I could weep until my toes and fingertips turned to prunes

And I could wallow in the blackness

But there will be a time when I am sent to a world where my hands cannot craft the walls I am surrounded by

Maybe it will be golden and smell of lilies

Or maybe it will be the purest of white and chimes will ring in the distance

But it could also just be that stillness of the cosmos

The brooding shadows swimming around me with a chill on the back of my calf’s

The silence of it is comforting but only until your thoughts become deafening

This to me is worse than the fire they speak of below the ground 

So what to do but rebuild 

I will toil the dirt

And I will plant the seeds

I will stack the brick and I will paint the walls

Maybe I do this because I know there is nothing without a home

But maybe I do it because I can create something I’ve never believed I deserved 

And when it’s time to go, then I will rest