2007

Pretend its 2007 in my lifetime

You don't know anything about me so just 

Join me for the ride.

Its 2007

I am four years old

Watching A Bugs Life 

Probably for the 4th time today.

Just me and my mom at the cottage

And we’re happy together.

If only I knew how precious those moments were

Its 2017

I am 13 years old

Getting outed to my mom

Being pinned to the kitchen floor

And being scared for my safety

This is the worst part in my life

And I haven’t really felt the same since then.

I romanticize the past 

because I hate the present

I romanticize the future

Because I hate the past

I am losing touch

Reality and illusion hold hands in my mind

I think they are lovers.

I am a shell

Illusion is introduced to my memories

Memories that I was once certain that happened

Memories that are now leaving with Illusion

Core memories of my youth that I once held dear

Are now fragments

Sometimes I forget my own name

I am a shell of what i used to be

A husk

I'm losing everything

Even my own perception

I want to be a child again.

I want to be three years old

Painting with my hands 

On glossy paper that I hated the texture of

Eating dinosaur chicken nuggets

And not writing shitty poems 

About how much I hate my life

I want to stand in my backyard again

And have it be the way it used to be

With the two trees that didn't get cut down yet

And our beautiful garden

And that god awful teal carpet in my bedroom.

I need to stop living in the past

I keep telling myself to make something of my life

But where do I start?

What do I do?

There isn't exactly a handbook 

Called “12 steps to living a life worth living again”

I try having hope for the future

But I worry about what path the present paves

What if I never come back?

I miss you 3 year old me

I miss when you cut your hair off

The first time.

I miss when your mom looked at you

With such love that it made you feel warm

I've been so cold 

for so many years.