When 2019 began, everything was great.

It started off with happiness.

Which was a first for me.

Since I was thirteen, life was hard.

Had no friends, and even had a family who

never once cared about me.

I was even bullied every day

For the way, I spoke and looked.

Life began to become unbearable.

So, I tried everything in my power

To make things better.

It started off sneaking online

To find people who actually liked me.

I met plenty of people.

Some nice and most horrible.

Things took a turn and that's

When the pain began.

I became so involved on the internet

Taking in every negative word that

These teens and adults threw at me.

It was dragging me into a dark place

That I never knew existed

I began doing things to myself

That caused my mental pain to

increase.

But the physical pain

Distracted me for awhile

Before it became an addiction.

Self-harm was the only thing

That I turned to and trusted.

Because I was alone and unloved.

With no one there for me.

I kept this a secret for so long.

Thinking things would get better.

But everything went for the worse.

The bullying became more frequent.

My family was turning against me.

And all I wanted was to be happy.

I decided to try and take my life.

My thoughts were only about happiness.

Just wanting to get rid of this pain,

Loneliness and emptiness that I was feeling.

I wasn't successful and I was taken away

To a place where my depression only got worse.

Medicine was taken every day to take away this feeling

And I had to talk to someone about everything that happened.

Even though I wasn't being truthful about what's going on.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years.

Things only got much more difficult.

lost plenty of friends.

Never had a real relationship

Because I was used and cheated on.

Self-harmed even more

And tried to take my life a few more times.

Now I'm nineteen years old

Hadn't been in a hospital or

Self-harmed in a year.

I feel proud of that

But the pain is coming back

This time it's intense.

I've left home for a reason.

Because I felt unloved and not needed.

I was constantly getting angry

Even though it wasn't my fault.

I was blamed for everything.

Ignored when I was begging for help.

There was always a fight.

And I was the one on the floor

Being punched in the face constantly.

Yet it was my fault and that I deserved it.

In my family, there is a family child.

My parents always do everything for her.

And she's two years younger than me.

She had a big graduation.

With people who love her.

She got plenty of scholarships.

And got accepted into a big college.

I am proud of her and would support her

In anything that she does.

But I feel like an outcast

Because I never got the things that she's gotten.

I wouldn't call it jealously.

Just a broken heart.

All I ever wanted was to be loved.

To have friends who wouldn't leave me.

That actually wanted to be around me.

A family who accepts me and loves me.

Who doesn't do everything for one child.

I may be nineteen and an adult now.

But I am still a child and deserves love.

Like everybody else.

Before telling me that I am fine.

Know my story and what I go through.

Because right now everything is not okay.

I am not okay at all.