Dear Best Friend,

I miss you. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss us joking around and making fun of each other all the time. I miss making fun of you for your stupid hair and your horrible grammar. You know how you always make fun of me for how I left prom? That was a rough night. Don’t get me wrong, I loved hanging out with you and being there, but something just felt off. My hands were sweating; I was shaking. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest; it felt like my stomach was doing somersaults. I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t even talk. You kept asking me if I was okay but I couldn’t respond. I tried to talk but the only thing that came out was a weird croaking sound. I could feel my eyes flooding with hot tears as I looked at your concerned face. I wanted to leave, get as far away as possible, but I couldn't leave you. I couldn't show how upset I was and how badly I just wanted to get away from everyone. You have no idea what this feels like, do you?

That night, I looked around the banquet hall in a panicked search for your face. I saw a mass of 400 people jumping and dancing with the football players in the front, but I didn’t see you. I looked everywhere and when I didn’t see you, I decided to just sit back down. There were so many people that I couldn’t even see the dance floor. The music was blaring and I could barely hear you come up behind me and ask if I was okay. The number of people was so overwhelming that when I went to answer, my voice cracked and I was forced to take a deep breathe before I tried to speak again. I just stood there staring at you because I didn’t know how to tell you that I was leaving; that I just couldn’t be there any longer. I felt horrible for leaving you but I was shaking so bad I could barely stand up to hug you.

As I was walking out the front doors of the banquet hall, the whole night was on repeat in my head. I couldn’t think straight and the only thing I could think to do was cry. As soon as I got in the car with my mom and friends, I couldn’t stop the tears. I had makeup running down my face and I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t talk no matter how hard I tried. It wasn’t because I didn’t have a good time, it was just because I couldn’t handle the amount of adrenalin that was coursing through my body. I didn’t want to leave you but I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I just wish that I had your confidence that night.

You’re always so confident that I feel like maybe if we were together more, it may rub off on me. When I am with you, I feel safe. I feel like I am protected and nothing can hurt me. I thought that being with you would help with my anxiety. To this day, I can’t figure out why I felt so unsafe and overwhelmed that night. Ever since you left for college, I have felt uneasy. I’ve felt confused and scared because now, I don’t have anyone to go on drives with when I’ve had a rough week. Driving in my dad’s car with the bass blasting always seems to help, but you being there, wearing joggers and a sweatshirt with your hair in a messy, stupid-looking man bun just makes life easier.

Hanging out with you used to be the thing I looked forward to most about the week. Even if we were just going for a drive, going to get ice cream or something simple like that, just being with you made me feel like everything was going to be okay. When we’re together, I forget that anxiety even exists. When I am with you, everything that is stressing me out just disappears. I do have social anxiety, but when I am with you, I feel like I can be confident and outgoing. Social Anxiety isn’t just something that I can get rid of, it's something that I carry with me all the time but when we’re together, I feel like I’m not carrying it alone.

Ever since you left, I’ve had this huge weight on my shoulders because I’m going through life without part of my support system. You’re like my overprotective big brother who would do anything for me. Even though I left early, I did learn a very important lesson from going to prom with you: I learned that I can’t go through this life on my own.