Everytime I speak I think , “Quiet down!”
I’m taking 100 punches without even feeling the pain.
No scars
Beating myself up.
That feeling of victory when you win the fight
You get the right answer.
People burden themselves to feel that victory
I strain but
No victory at all inside for me.
Everyday there's no victory
Everyday my voice is contained by the cage that is my throat
Rattling and rattling as I try and speak.
Nothing comes out
I make sure of that
Because I'm afraid of what will.
Afraid of what will happen if my voice were heard
My voice should not be heard.
I’m allowing myself to stay frightened
I wonder why I do this?
My ears are vulnerable
Bleeding when the ref blows the whistle of my voice.
Teammates turning and looking at my distress
Wondering if the loud scream they hear is my voice.
My voice screams through my ears
I need to bring it down to a whisper.
Everyday
I am reaching for the voice that has been released
Reaching for it on the top shelf
On my tipping toes
It could fall at any moment,
Exposing the voice inside.
I need it to fall so I can contain in my hands
The potion of my voice feels light and airy as it falls.
But I know my voice is too deep and dark
It is too overpowering for my hands.
Its breaks through and my heart drops to my feet crashing through the floorboards
I need to get it back
It cannot be released into the world.
But,
then
I think about how some can not talk and I can.
Some fight with their life just to get their voice across
Some are scared they will get hurt if they open their mouth.
Physically hurt
People are “crawling, begging” to hear their own voice.
Their voices do not travel far enough down the road
They get caught in the cracks because they are not important enough.
Imagine
Sofia Bianco
Imagine having your story trapped between the pages.
Words just being words not coming alive when you speak them
Do not be confined.
People would give anything, everything to be where you are
Right now.
People need to be heard
Hear me as if I'm the last person standing.
As if you are the tides
And I am the moon.
You need me to pull you along
But I am not pulling you
I'm pulling myself
Pulling and pulling to get my voice back so no one can hear me.
I am playing this game of tug of war with myself
Tugging from one side to another.
Should I let it go?
Should I let the rope slip through my fingers?
I think to myself
Getting caught with the knot in the middle every second my brain is thinking
But if I let go its released to all.
Will I be released to myself if I let the rope go?
I need to be heard
I need to stop worrying
Worry brings sweat to my face
Sweat dripping down my face hydrating the beast inside.
Making it stronger.
Let your voice be heard
The beast needs to be released.
Because if it stays too long it will eat you up inside
If you let go of the rope
You will feel those 100 punches that you take everyday.
You will have scars
Only will make you stronger.
Without your voice something is missing
Without my voice something is missing.
The scars all over me only embark what I have gone through
What I have gone through to be standing here in front of you
Telling you my story when it has no ending
All I know is the beginning and how.
I finally let my voice be heard.