My mind is an ocean

It is mysterious and has no end

No one knows what new things you could find hidden in its dark depths

Many fear to even try

Scared they will fall victim to one of its bloodthirsty monsters

A monster with no face, no goal

A monster that roams in the deepest depths and only comes out to feast on weaker prey

I am weak

We are all scared of this mysterious monster 

This thing with no face

But many can quickly divert their fear towards whatever it is that people divert fear to, 

I assume it’s related to whatever the saying “just get over it” or “suck it up” means, something I don’t know how to do

But unlike those many, I can’t pretend that this monster doesn’t exist 

I can’t pretend that I don’t feel it’s animalistic eyes studying me

I can’t hide from what’s hiding in the dark

From what’s surrounding me

Some people are afraid of the ocean

I’m afraid of myself

Afraid of what dark secrets I hold

Afraid of just how many monsters there are lurking in the dark

About to drag me under

You can’t run from what isn’t there 

You can’t run from yourself

But you can try

If I just run fast enough

Swim fast enough, I won’t have to look back

Won’t have to acknowledge those monsters 

Won’t have to dissect them

Won’t have to fight them to survive 

All I have to do is run

But I’m getting tired

And I’m slowly sinking

And I feel the monsters catching up, surrounding me

I can’t run anymore and I’m scared

I don’t want to be scared 

I don’t want to be scared for my life

I don’t want to be scared of monsters

I don’t want to be scared of things that don’t exist

I don’t want to be scared of things I created

What can I do

If I can’t run because I’m tired and I can’t fight because I’m weak, what else is there to do but drown or wait for the monsters to devour me?

Others may say I am stronger than I say, but they don’t know just how big these monsters are

They can’t see their razor teeth and lifeless eyes

They don’t see my cowardice

They don’t see my stubbornness

Lack of understanding

Rudeness

Selfishness

Inability to trust

To stay determined 

How I put things off

My laziness 

Quick to give up

Quick temper

Quick mouth

All the things lacking in a good person

A strong person

A worthy person

I’m not strong

I’m not worthy

I’m such a shit person

Who am I to complain when there are millions of people with millions of things worse than me

I’m so selfish

I’m trash

Worse than trash

I deserve to die

I wish I would die

I want to die

But what about mom? What about grandma?

You're so selfish that you would put them through all that?

I feel like shit

I’m such shit

I’m worse than shit

No, just stop thinking negatively 

You’ll be fine

But not for long

The monsters will always be here

It will always be the same

You may change but the monsters never will

They’ll always want to hunt and find you

You’ll always be found

You’ll end up right back here

No, I won’t just stop

Stop thinking 

stop thinking 

Stop thinking

Stop thinking

Just feel nothing

Feel nothing

Feel nothing

I want to feel nothing

I don’t want to feel

I don’t want to feel 

Stop feeling

Stop thinking

Stop breathing

Just stop

I don’t want to feel like this

I don’t want to feel like this

I just want to feel nothing

The only way to feel nothing is to die

I just want to die

I just want I die

I just want to feel nothing

I just want to feel nothing

Just stop thinking

Stop thinking

Stop thinking you stupid bitch just stop

Just die

Just die

Just

Stop

Just drown

Feel nothing 

Feel nothing

Feel nothing

Yes my mind is like an ocean

And for the same reason those who are scared of water stay away from the ocean, I don’t want to get better

Because to get better you have to understand why you are the way you are

Why you do the things you do

You have to put yourself in a room with the monsters and ask them why it is they want you gone

Why it is you invited them there

Why it is you let them stay

Why it is you don’t want them to leave

I don’t want to see what hides on the surface floor

Don’t want to have to fight all those monsters that I have created

Because I am weak 

Because just like those scared of the ocean,

I’m afraid I’ll drown