i remember the first time

i forgot how to breathe.

i tried my hardest to remember.

in and

out

but the breaths would not come,

trapped in my throat on barbed wire.

as soon as i forced life out air could not come in and

when i gasped and pulled back in it would not come out

choking on nothing

your face is red and your eyes are red and you see red

none of the things that you think come to your mind do

you do not think of life and death and love and loss

just air.

you heave and choke and spit and still nothing can stop the rush

coughing feels like fire

inhaling smoke

something so simple has never been so impossible.

is this what it feels like to die

with your hands clenched to the sink and tears in your eyes and a hunched back

your head is pounding and your eyes might pop out of your skull

if you were to force harder

and final relief

final release

you breathe once more

in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out

the world comes into focus

and as you meet red eyes a stream of tears a wild panic

you promise yourself you will never forget again

how could you now that everything is so easy?

but when you find yourself hunched over the sink once again

coughing and choking and crying for nothing

you realize nothing is ever that simple.