I’m from catching ladybugs in Mason jars at the end of my street,

from drawing cartoons to complex classics,

from wondering about the wonders of space and stars,

and to be determined life on mars.

I’m from blue green and purple firework eyes—

the ones you get when you close your eyes tight...

I’m from hugs and Hershey bars,

after a day of not knowing the answer to “why me?”

I’m from confusion and pain,

from bruises and gasping for air and crying silently at night,

a child should not be from this.

But I was.

I’m from being called sweetheart to worthless, useless, and stupid,

fearing someone who should unconditionally love me,

from always being scared that I might make him mad.

I’m from a pounding heart every time he came home from work,

from not knowing what I did that day to deserve this,

from police and CPS involvement,

after my brother had unexplainable bruises,

and belt marks on his legs.

I’m from moving from Utah to Wisconsin and being depressed,

and our house showed it—

cluttered and messy because no one cared.

I’m from parents’ divorce and not going to church anymore.

I’m from finding his secret cabinet full of vodka and rum bottles,

that nobody knew about except for me,

(it was behind the pots and pans.)

I’m from learning about his Xanax problem and empty Adderall pill bottles,

from finding him stealing my brothers ADHD pills,

about finding his thousands of empty testosterone sheets,

bar headed coward.

I’m from cutting ties and moving out as soon as I can,

from forgiving my mother for not keeping us safe all the time,

from learning to grow up with someone like my dad.

I’m from swearing up and down that I’ll never be like him,

and I won’t.

I’m from catching ladybugs in Mason Jars at the end of my street,

from drawing silly cartoons and complex masterpieces,

from wondering about the wonders of space and stars,

and to be determined life on mars.