I am hearing the lies and I cannot breathe

Anymore

And it hurts to open my eyes and I cannot breathe

Anymore

And the waiting

In between

Knowing

What comes

Next

And what comes

Now

I woke up at four

In the morning

Screaming

Not really screaming but I could feel

The internal

Screaming

The yelling

Frantic

The pain

Panic

And fear

All the fear comes flooding back to me and I cannot breathe

Anymore

And it hurts to accept the truth and I cannot breathe

Anymore

And the waiting

Because I know in my head

What is really true

Because I know in my head

It’s not a lie

Although I wish it was

The lies

Aren’t

Lies

They’re

True

Far too

True

For my liking

It happened at 8

PM

The next day

The worst

The impossible

The scariest thing

But it wasn’t really

Scary

I was just

Scared

To let go

Of the one thing

I really had

But I have to accept it but I cannot breathe

Anymore

And I have to push through but I cannot breathe

Anymore

And the waiting

For my own end to come

In anxiety

And anguish

And depression

Full of

Grief

Just begging

God

To bring him back

To me

And I don't even believe

In God

But I would do anything

To bring him

Back

To me

Because he’s gone and I cannot breathe

Anymore

Because I’m alone

And I cannot breathe

Anymore

The grief

Swallows me

Whole

I’m planting

Flowers

I’m taking care of his

Lemon tree

I’m

Surviving

Through all of this

Because it hurts so much and I cannot breathe

Anymore

But I try and I try and I try to breathe

Once more

Because waiting

For it all to end

Won’t help me

And waiting

For a God to answer me

With the impossible

Won’t bring him back

And waiting

For the pain to end

Is useless

Because it won’t

And I know

That I can still

Survive