'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my lair

There was a foul stench of decay in the air

The day's potions concocted, I'd set all my traps

So that no one could break in and steal all my crap

The prisoners were nestled all snug in their cages

Where they were attended by black magic mages

With them in the dungeon, I put on my cap

And slipped into bed for a long winter's nap

When out on the belfry, there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my filth to see what was the matter

I ran to the window, as quick as a flash

I tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the luster of midday to the courtyard below

But no sooner could I grab my midnight flagon

That I saw a flying fortress pulled by eight mighty dragons!

With a hideous driver with a foul, wretched stink

He looked so damn ugly, I didn't know what to think!

Faster than lightning, his dragons they came

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Wulfric, now Brimstone, now Smaug and Clawfoot!

Now Ember, Caldera, Pluto and Bahamut!

To the top of the battlement! Watch out for the wall!

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

Like winds before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

It wasn't long 'til I heard on my roof

The gnashing and slashing of claw and of tooth

As I pulled in my head, my brains still in awe

Standing there in my study, there he was: Cranky Claus!

A roar from his belly and a face-wrenching sneer

Soon let me know I had nothing to fear

He was dressed all in rags, from his head to his foot

And his hair was tarnished with ashes and soot

The remains of a Cuban he clenched in his maw

His rusty breastplate bore scratches from claws

He said not a word as he opened his sack

He left me my junk, then ate all my snacks

Then, shoving a finger inside of his nose

And blasting a fart, up the chimney he rose!

He turned to his beasts, drew his sword, took a seat

And away they all flew like flies to dead meat

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight:

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a dark night!"