Those are some very helpful edits you suggested and I can very clearly see the improvement they would add to the poem! You're fantastic as giving criticism that makes me want to focus on my strengths as well as improve on my weaknesses! Your input is greatly appreciated!

@LotusChild, don't slam your own talent just because someone else's is different and works! Au contraire, I think I've told you, I literally find myself holding my breath when I read your poetry. The "jam" of your emotion triggers explosions in heart and mind--stop being so hard on yourself. :) @LazyGenius, sorry to take the focus off you; this just had to be said! Two great talents on one page: it would be remiss only to recognize one!

Actually, to disagree, I love the "over-simplicity" LotusChild was referring to. I think it gives you that perfect sense of the moment where you're grasping for more, desperate to grab on... and there's just not. My only qualm was that I think there were a few lines where you broke with syllable patterns, and it messed with the flow in my mind. Feel free to take it or leave it, but here are the edits I would have made: (1) "I can't comply" --> "Can't comply OR Won't comply OR Don't comply." (2)"My watering eye" --> "Watery eyes." (3) "This has to be a lie" --> "Must be a lie." (4) "Let's retry" --> "Retry." Again, that's just how my brain heard the syllables and the rhythm, but the content and format were both beautifully done and powerful.

Also, the term "What a sight" seems forced, as if you were trying to come up with a good rhyme and that's what came to mind (no offense). Try to stay away from overused phrases in the future, it makes your work seem more genuine, and in that sense unique and powerful.

This one is simple and relatable. The short stanzas give the feeling of the moment, both slow and fast at the same time. However, there is a sense of over-simplicity, I suppose that's because we're supposed to derive the feeling ourselves, as if you gave a scenario and expected us to feel. That's pretty good, personally I tend to jam so much of my own emotion into the page that people don't generally feel when they read it, they just stare, amazed that I'm still standing.